This one time, right, Cassius the Hedgehog had gone on a mission to the Mountain of the Iron Lion, to remedy his spiritual anguish by filling up his empty gin bottles at the fountain of gin. He'd come a long way but this well hard hill was up-ahead and he was NOT looking forward to it.
'Oh well' he sighed, I must suffer to bev up. And onwards he plodded, sweating like a hog. This isn't all that amazing as Cassius is a hedgeHOG but in fact it is a clever twist on the ol' saying 'sweating like a pig,' which doesn't even make sense because pigs don't sweat much because their sweat glands aren't that great. A better analogy would be 'sweating like a primate,' but whatever yeh.
Once Cassius got to the top of the well hard hill he saw a well pretty house where four shrews met him and took him inside for a breather. He was glad of the shelter and they also gave him some of their homemade percy pig flavour cheescake.
'Man, Enrique is gonna be well annoyed when I tell him you've already perfected this recipe. He thinks he's so alternative.' Cassius chuckled.
'Enrique IS so alternative!' the first shrew cried, 'I'd like to kiss the ground he walks on!'
'Well I'd like to smother my FACE in the ground he walks on!' cried another.
'Jeez, calm down.' Cassius said.
'Yeh, sorry about them,' the biggest shrew said and she handed him a pointy stick, 'here, take this pointy stick as an apology.'
'Cheers for that.' Cassius said, 'and he hurried off, away from the shrews who continued to debate whether cut off tights were still considered alternative or just unnecessary.
As he came away from the well pretty house, Cassius found that the ground was getting steadily steeper and steeper downwards. This did not please our little hedgehog friend as he does not well love going down hills because this one time, right, Cassius and his friend Pam the Weasel went hill walking and Cassius got really scared coming down the hill because it was so steep and he cried little hedgehog tears because he was scared of tripping and so he had to drink a whole bottle of red wine at the campfire that evening to cheer himself up and then he sang songs about smashing up bumblebees and felt empowered once more. Thinking about his little hedgehog tears made Cassius well embarrassed. Suddenly, a big sweaty primate jumped out in front of him, baring its teeth.
'Oi you little hedgehog fiend!' the monkey cried, 'how dare you spread rumours about my hyperhidrosis! I tried Mitchum, I tried Sure for Men but all to no avail. I've made an appointment with the doctor for Wednesday and hopefully he can prescribe me something or else send me to get botox injections in my armpits and then put my hands and feet in electrified water to stop the sweat.'
'Riight.' Cassius said, edging away from the clammy grasp of the Rhesus macaque. 'Sorry to hear about that one matey, but all the best and that.'
'GIVE ME 'NANA!' cried the monkey.
'Uh, sorry, I'm sure she's very lovely but I don't have your Grandmother to hand just now,' Cassius replied.
'GIVE ME 'NANA! 'NANA MILKSHAKE!'
'Oh, like nesquik? Sorry, pal, I didn't bring any with me, can I interest you in some leftover percy pig cheesecake?'
'SINCE WHEN WAS PERCY PIG CHEESECAKE A POPULAR FOOD AMONGST PRIMATES?' the crazed animal cried, shaking beads of sweat all over Cassius.
'WELL I DON'T KNOW MATE, LAST I HEARD HEDGEHOGS ONLY ATE BEETLES, INSECTS AND EARTHWORMS, BUT HERE I AM TREKKING ACROSS THIS WASTELAND EATING CHEESECAKE AND SEARCHING FOR GIN. MAYBE IT'S TIME TO TRY SOMETHING NEW FOR ONCE!' Cassius yelled.
'YEH, MAYBE IT IS. MAYBE IT'S TIME I WRAPPED YOU IN STICKY MUD AND BAKED YOU IN THE EMBERS OF A FIRE FOR MY DIN-DINS!' and with a roar the perspiring primate leapt forward and tried to grab Cassius by his spines. Well, I can tell you right now that Cassius was having none of that.
'TOO LONG HAVE YOU RUINED THAT POOR WOMAN'S FRUIT AND VEG STALL ON HUMAN PLANET. TOO LONG HAVE YOU HAUNTED HER STEPS.' He cried and grasping his pointy stick he jabbed the monkey in the bum bum. The monkey let out a screech and ran off into the distance, leaving only the lingering smell of body odour, hanging in the air. Cassius let out a sigh of relief and hurried on.
As night fell, Cassius found himself deep in the valley. An enormous shadow fell across the land and he was afraid. He didn't want to sleep in such a terrifying place so he plodded on through the darkness.
'Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. Because I carry a big stick and I'm the meanest mother-fudger in the valley! Two sharks down, Lord! One demon fish to go! Can I get an Amen?! Ahh, Preacher, you were the only good thing in that movie.' Cassius thought to himself as he went, 'still, nothing like a shark film to put you off swimming in the sea ever again. In fact, great whites can even be found off the coast of Britain so even Camber Sands is off menu, no matter how much strongbow you've drunk.'
Next morning, after a night full of reminiscing about shark films, Cassius thanked the Lord again that he lived on dry land and was pleased to see the sun rise. As he looked into the distance he saw a figure waving at him, he hurried closer and was pleased to see the smiling face of a vole.
'Alright mate!' the vole said, 'I'm Fred.'
'Cassius the Hedgehog, pleased to meet you,' Cassius replied and they shook hands. 'I think I recognise you?
'Well, I used to live in the same woods as you, but moved away when I noticed the gin slowly disappearing.' Fred told him.
'Smart move mate,' Cassius said, 'I'm actually heading up the Mountain of the Iron Lion to get some gin for a party.'
'I'm heading that way too as it happens, got a cousin who lives just the other side of the mountain, mind if I walk a while with you?
'That's a-okay with me,' Cassius replied.
'Right,' said Fred. 'Let's go.'
Fred and Cassius walked on together for some time. Fred was a pretty cool vole so Cassius was glad of his company. Unfortunately he was also a sucker for magazines that cover a range of topics, from current affairs, to fashion and entertainment so when he came across an issue of Vanity Fair that had been discarded carelessly by the side of the road, he just HAD to sit down and read it.
'Sorry mate, I ain't got time to wait, I'm gasping for a G&T,' Cassius told him and so they parted ways. Don't worry though, faithful readers, there is still hope for good chat as another vole, called Hal joined Cassius for his mountain adventure. Hal and Cassius also got on really well as Hal had some well good stories about his other adventures, like his safari adventure, his underwater adventure, his Arctic adventure and his Amazon adventure. Hal's tales helped pass the time and before they knew it the sun had set so they decided to spend the night in this random castle that they stumbled upon in their travels.
When they woke up they found themselves staring into the eyes of an enormous man.
'Woah there!' Cassius exclaimed, scrambling away from the giant, 'what do you want?'
'Have you come for the autumn feast?' the giant asked them.
'Uhh, no, and this ain't no Narnian tale, so I'm not falling for that ol' spin, I know about your cookbook and you are not eating me or any other talking animals for that matter,' Cassius retorted.
'HAHAHAHA!' boomed the man, 'I shall imprison you here forever until you despair of all hope for a G&T!'
'Nice one Dean,' came a woman's voice, as another giant entered the room,'I told you imprisoning woodland creatures would be fun, I've already got one here' and she pointed into the corner.
'That's Adam Sandler!' Hal exclaimed, 'he ain't no woodland creature!'
'Sorry I'm not better looking.' Adam replied.
'SHUT UP ADAM, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE?' Cassius shouted
'I swear I'm the guy hiding in the frozen food section, calling 911.'
'That isn't the frozen food section Adam.' Hal told him.
'What are you? My therapist? Go take a walk.'
'Well that would be just lovely Adam, but I'm imprisoned in a castle by giants.' Hal said. 'Got any other ideas?'
'I turned 40 in September, thank you... my goal is to make it through the next hour without having to get up and pee.' Adam said and with that he turned his back on Cassius and Hal.
'Well that was fun.' Cassius said, 'but I think we'll be leaving now. See ya Adam.'
'DAMN YOU SCUBA STEVE!' Adam screamed.
'It's Cassius actually. Cassius the Hedgehog, and you'd do well to remember that name.' Cassius informed him as they shut the door.
As the hedgehog and the vole scurried away from the castle they hi-fived each other, pleased to have escaped. They could see some lush looking mountains and decided to head towards them. As they reached the foot of the mountain range a shepherd approached them. He was a friendly guy called Phil who had some sound advice about safe routes through the mountains and also types of chair, for example, the Windsor. Following Phil's advice they continued on their journey. After a short while they found themselves getting sleepier and sleepier.
'I am getting sleepier and sleepier,' Cassius yawned.
'Me too, I could just lie down on the ground here and have a nice little nap,' Hal agreed.
'I don't think that's a good idea mate, we're nearly there, I can almost smell the gin.' Cassius urged Hal on. 'Come on, mate no time to be lazy.'
'I have a confession to make Cassius,' Hal said sheepishly, 'I used to prefer vodka.'
'WHAT!' Cassius cried, 'how could you?!'
'Well, I was just to scared to try gin, I never knew how versatile it was in cocktails.' Hal told him.
'Thank goodness you saw the error of your ways pal, gin is the best spirit.' And so Cassius told Hal about all his favourite gin based drinks to keep him awake.
Finally they started to feel refreshed and the land around them grew less and less barren. Fruits and flowers surrounded them and they were glad that they hadn't slept. They could see the gin fountain up ahead at the highest point of the Mountain and hurried forwards with glee. But Hal stopped suddenly as a river with no bridge was blocking their way.
'OH NO!' Hal exclaimed in horror, 'we can't go over it, we can't go under it, we'll have to go through it!' Keen for the gin, he dived straight in and splish splash, splish splash, he made it to the other side. Turning to face Cassius he beckoned his friend over. Taking a deep breath Cassius jumped. As soon as he hit the water his little legs began paddling furiously to get him to the other side. But Cassius is only a little hedgehog and he soon became tired, his head slipping under wave after wave.
'Come on Cassius! Think of the gin!' Hal cheered him on and Cassius found a last burst of energy and pushed himself up onto the river bank.
'Phew, that was a close one!' Cassius gasped as he lay exhausted on the grass. Then his little hedgehog nose began to twitch...'Hal!' he exclaimed with joy, 'I can smell the gin!' With a hop, skip and a jump, the two friends found themselves at the fountain where the canaries greeted them with happiness. The fountain shone with a rainbow of different colours and the gin flowed crisp and clear. Together they filled up all the bottles and the canaries carried them and the gin back to the woods.
'WE'VE GOT THE GIN!' Cassius shouted as they landed safely back home. All the woodland creatures hurried out to meet them and they had a well good party with well loads of gin and cheesecake and dancing and then Christina the fox was sick.
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