This one time, right Cassius the Hedgehog was suffering from anguish. Spiritual anguish. He was a-wailing and a-moaning, gibbering about his past regrets. Like that one time when he mistook a mento for a Werther's Original and ate it instead of throwing it at Marcus the Squirrel and that other time when he got Lea and Perrins on his bow tie and this other time when he lost the disc of Wallace and Gromit - Curse of the Were-rabbit and was forever tormented by the empty dvd case. But this time the regret was even bigger. Cassius the Hedgehog had run out of gin, all he had were loads of empty bottles as he couldn't bring himself to part with them. Now don't you go thinking that Cassius is an alcoholic or nothing. He'd gone without for three days and things were getting desperate. He'd tried the Co-op round the corner but they never have anything you want and just suck you into buying two packets of Walkers Sensations because it's buy one get one free but you only came in for gin. But they had no gin which had lead to Cassius' spritual anguish. The woodland creatures were throwing a party in a weeks time and nowhere could they find any gin to make Martinis with, at this rate, the party was gonna be well bad.
Suddenly, through his tears Cassius saw a figure appear.
'Oi oi batty boy,' the voice said 'my name is Evan, I know you well want some gin but there ain't none to be found in this wood. And don't go thinking that you can just go into town and pick some up there, Tunbridge Wells is dry. You must take all your empty bottles and go to The Mountain of the Iron Lion, where there are fountains of gin'. The figure then vanished into the trees leaving our hedgehog friend baffled. He rushed to Enrique's house and told the badger what he had seen, begging Enrique to accompany him to the Mountain of the Iron Lion but Enrique refused.
'Mate I've got too much to do, I'm experimenting with a Percy Pig flavour cheesecake for the party.' Enrique told him. 'You're on your own for this one. Sozza.'
So Cassius left, leaving his bestest badger buddy behind. Because Cassius well loves the gin. And spiritual anguish ain't no walk in the park. It's a walk to the mountain. He was carrying the burden of all the empty bottles with him so he could fill them all up so it was pretty heavy going and that. He had only been walking a short way when two rats caught up with him.
'Cassius! Oi!' they shouted, 'where ya going?
'Who are you?' he asked them.
'We're Oliver and Peter, and we think you're well dumb to go all the way to the Mountains just to get some gin,' they told him.
'Listen guys, this well sound bloke called Evan told me in good faith about the fountains of gin at the top of the Mountain, it's gonna be well whack.' Cassius explained.
'That does sound pretty whack.' Peter concurred, 'mind if I join?'
'Oh, you two disgust me,' said Oliver. 'I'm going back. Laterz.'
Peter and Cassius carried on walking together. Peter had some good chat about Usher and how he'd developed a penchant for juggling over ripe peaches and canaries so Cassius didn't mind the company. Peter was excited about the fountain on the mountain and was proper keen to get his hands on some gin. He was busy listing all the cocktails he was gonna make when they found the ground beneath their feet was becoming softer.
'Oh my dayz!' Cassius cried, 'we're sinking!' They were getting deeper and deeper, almost up to their waists in the bog. Peter the Rat managed to grab onto a tree root on one side and slowly pulled himself out.
'Help me! Oi, you massive scumbag! COME BACK!' Cassius shouted, but Peter the Rat just ran away, leaving poor Cassius shouting for help by himself.
'You called?' came a voice from the top of the tree. Cassius looked up to see a kestrel swooping down towards him. 'My names Elpha the Kestrel, need a hand?'
'Yes please mate! I'm nearly up to my neck in mud!' Cassius gasped.
Once Elpha had carried Cassius and his backpack of bottles out of the bog, he thanked her for coming to his aid and told her all about his journey to find the fountain of gin at the top of the Mountain of the Iron Lion. She wished him the best of luck with his mission. but admitted to being more of a vodka fan and sent him on his way with a wave. Cassius continued walking, glad to be rid of a scoundrel like Peter the Rat who was clearly well bad chat and not the type to go hill-walking with. He'd just managed to get the last of the bog mud off his spines when he saw a rabbit watching him from the bushes. As he got nearer it hopped out to greet him.
'Well hello there little hedgehog, where are you off to this fine day?' the rabbit asked, his eyes darting from Cassius' face to the bag of bottles and back again.
'I'm just taking a stroll up to the Mountain of the Iron Lion to fill these bad boys up, we're having a party in a few days and the Co-op's all out. Apparently there are fountains of gin at the top of the mountain.' Cassius informed the rabbit.
'Well, my names Wilbur and by the whiskers on my nose I reckon I can help relieve some of that burden you're carrying' the rabbit said.
'Oh right cool, you wanna come with?' Cassius asked him.
'No, no, I mean I'm actually from Tunbridge Wells Borough Council and we're trying to cut down on glass litter by encouraging recycling,' Wilbur the Rabbit told Cassius, 'in fact if you turn off this path and head into the town there are many facilities for recycling glass, I'm sure you don't need to fill up ALL those bottles, they look very heavy.'
'Hmmm, they are very heavy and I do love a bit of recycling,' Cassius mused. 'I guess I can shift some of them down there. Cheers for the tip-off Wilbur.' And with that Cassius turned off the path and headed down into town.
Cassius made it to the Millennium Clock in the town centre when a mist fell upon him. Squinting into it he saw Evan coming towards him. And he didn't look too pleased.
'Cassius my man, what did I tell you!? You must take all the bottles to the mountain to get your gin. You can't just wander off!'
'Oh maanzz, I'm sorry pal, didn't realise! If I go back now, can I still get some gin?' Cassius asked.
'Oh yeh, no worries,' Evan reassured him, 'just don't listen to that rabbit again, he's been done for impersonating borough council members three times now. Nightmare!'
'Wow, what an oddball,' Cassius said, 'I can think of well better people to impersonate.'
'Exactomondo.' Evan agreed. 'And another thing, what's with the mist?'
'Oh, I thought that was you, you know, for effect and that.' said Cassius, confused.
'What are you on batty?!' Evan cried, 'I ain't no ghost or nothing, just have a vast knowledge of gin fountain locations, think we're just having some weather.'
'Riight.' Cassius nodded, 'I'll just be off then...'
Back in the woods Cassius was growing weary, the bottles were heavy and he was beginning to lose hope of ever finding the mountain, dragging his little hedgehog feet along the ground. Trying to keep his spirits up he began to sing the greatest hits of Leann Rimes. He was halfway through 'On the side of angels', when he saw a gate up ahead. As he drew closer he saw a sign which read: 'You've got to knock. Innit.' So he did. At the sound of his knock a crow flew down and landed on one of the posts.
'Alright pal, I'm Will the Crow. Wanna see something special?'
'Always.' Cassius replied. At his answer the crow screwed up his face with concentration, croaking with effort.
'Erm, whatcha doing weirdo?' Cassius inquired. Will let out a sigh and relaxed his face muscles.
'I'm supposed to will the gate open, but it never works.' the crow told the hedgehog, with an embarrassed smile.
'Ok... want to just help me push it then?' Cassius suggested. Will nodded sheepishly and together they heaved the heavy gate open.
'Just in time actually,' Will informed Cassius as they hurried through, 'there's some nutter in a tree over there throwing skittles at you. Now, how's the journey going?' So Cassius told Will all about Evan's advice, Enrique's refusal to accompany him, the bog, Peter's desertion and Wilbur the Rabbit. Will seemed impressed and advised Cassius to head to a nearby house where he would learn more about gin.'
'I well love gin,' Cassius sighed as he waved goodbye to Will the Crow, 'this stuff had better be good though.'
Once inside, a deer showed Cassius a picture of a man. 'Who's that?' Cassius asked the deer.
'Franciscus Sylvius,' the deer told him, 'he is a Dutch physicist who invented the bev we all love best.'
'Excellent bit of trivia that,' Cassius said. 'What a legend.' The deer then showed Cassius into a new room where he instructed another deer to throw ice at Gordon Ramsey. Cassius was shocked at Gordon's acceptance of this behaviour and even more so when another deer hurled slices of lemon and lime at him. The first deep explained that both are necessary parts of a gin and tonic. He then moved into the next room where one deer was pouring vodka into a glass, whilst another poured gin.
'See there are always some batties who think vodka makes a better martini than gin,' the deer explained.
'Nutterz.' Cassius said, shaking his head in disgust. 'I heard that Madonna prefers vodka to gin, but then again she's also renowned for her morbid fascination with electrocuting canaries, so she's clearly a crackpot.'
'You are a true gin lover and defender of canaries', the deer concluded. This will help you in your quest.'
Cassius left the house of the deer, and continued towards the mountains. The path grew rocky and he tripped, his heavy bag pushing him off balance. He braced himself for a fall, but none came. Opening his eyes, Cassius saw a flock of canaries who had caught him before he fell.
'Cheers little fellaz,' Cassius said, as they set him down safely.
'That's alright matey, we help anyone who supports the anti-canary electrocution movement, in fact, we can help you with that heavy back-pack now,' the canaries twittered.
'Wow, you are kind,' Cassius smiled at them. As the flock carried off the bottles towards the mountains, a few stayed and gave Cassius a straw and a pass for the gin fountain.
'Peace out, Cassius!' the canaries shouted as they flew away, 'see you at the top!'
Relieved of his burden Cassius decided to stop for the night as it was getting dark. Curling up into a ball he snuggled down amongst some dead leaves. He knew that the next day he could continue his journey for the gin and so he slept, dreaming of hubba bubba. His fave flavour was sweet and sassy cherry.
To be continued...
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