Cassius The Hedgehog's Progress. Part 2.

This one time, right, Cassius the Hedgehog had gone on a mission to the Mountain of the Iron Lion, to remedy his spiritual anguish by filling up his empty gin bottles at the fountain of gin. He'd come a long way but this well hard hill was up-ahead and he was NOT looking forward to it.

'Oh well' he sighed, I must suffer to bev up. And onwards he plodded, sweating like a hog. This isn't all that amazing as Cassius is a hedgeHOG but in fact it is a clever twist on the ol' saying 'sweating like a pig,' which doesn't even make sense because pigs don't sweat much because their sweat glands aren't that great. A better analogy would be 'sweating like a primate,' but whatever yeh.

Once Cassius got to the top of the well hard hill he saw a well pretty house where four shrews met him and took him inside for a breather. He was glad of the shelter and they also gave him some of their homemade percy pig flavour cheescake.

'Man, Enrique is gonna be well annoyed when I tell him you've already perfected this recipe. He thinks he's so alternative.' Cassius chuckled.

'Enrique IS so alternative!' the first shrew cried, 'I'd like to kiss the ground he walks on!'

'Well I'd like to smother my FACE in the ground he walks on!' cried another.

'Jeez, calm down.' Cassius said.

'Yeh, sorry about them,' the biggest shrew said and she handed him a pointy stick, 'here, take this pointy stick as an apology.'

'Cheers for that.' Cassius said, 'and he hurried off, away from the shrews who continued to debate whether cut off tights were still considered alternative or just unnecessary.

As he came away from the well pretty house, Cassius found that the ground was getting steadily steeper and steeper downwards. This did not please our little hedgehog friend as he does not well love going down hills because this one time, right, Cassius and his friend Pam the Weasel went hill walking and Cassius got really scared coming down the hill because it was so steep and he cried little hedgehog tears because he was scared of tripping and so he had to drink a whole bottle of red wine at the campfire that evening to cheer himself up and then he sang songs about smashing up bumblebees and felt empowered once more. Thinking about his little hedgehog tears made Cassius well embarrassed. Suddenly, a big sweaty primate jumped out in front of him, baring its teeth.

'Oi you little hedgehog fiend!' the monkey cried, 'how dare you spread rumours about my hyperhidrosis! I tried Mitchum, I tried Sure for Men but all to no avail. I've made an appointment with the doctor for Wednesday and hopefully he can prescribe me something or else send me to get botox injections in my armpits and then put my hands and feet in electrified water to stop the sweat.'

'Riight.' Cassius said, edging away from the clammy grasp of the Rhesus macaque. 'Sorry to hear about that one matey, but all the best and that.'

'GIVE ME 'NANA!' cried the monkey.

'Uh, sorry, I'm sure she's very lovely but I don't have your Grandmother to hand just now,' Cassius replied.

'GIVE ME 'NANA! 'NANA MILKSHAKE!'

'Oh, like nesquik? Sorry, pal, I didn't bring any with me, can I interest you in some leftover percy pig cheesecake?'

'SINCE WHEN WAS PERCY PIG CHEESECAKE A POPULAR FOOD AMONGST PRIMATES?' the crazed animal cried, shaking beads of sweat all over Cassius.

'WELL I DON'T KNOW MATE, LAST I HEARD HEDGEHOGS ONLY ATE BEETLES, INSECTS AND EARTHWORMS, BUT HERE I AM TREKKING ACROSS THIS WASTELAND EATING CHEESECAKE AND SEARCHING FOR GIN. MAYBE IT'S TIME TO TRY SOMETHING NEW FOR ONCE!' Cassius yelled.

'YEH, MAYBE IT IS. MAYBE IT'S TIME I WRAPPED YOU IN STICKY MUD AND BAKED YOU IN THE EMBERS OF A FIRE FOR MY DIN-DINS!' and with a roar the perspiring primate leapt forward and tried to grab Cassius by his spines. Well, I can tell you right now that Cassius was having none of that.

'TOO LONG HAVE YOU RUINED THAT POOR WOMAN'S FRUIT AND VEG STALL ON HUMAN PLANET. TOO LONG HAVE YOU HAUNTED HER STEPS.' He cried and grasping his pointy stick he jabbed the monkey in the bum bum. The monkey let out a screech and ran off into the distance, leaving only the lingering smell of body odour, hanging in the air. Cassius let out a sigh of relief and hurried on.

As night fell, Cassius found himself deep in the valley. An enormous shadow fell across the land and he was afraid. He didn't want to sleep in such a terrifying place so he plodded on through the darkness.

'Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. Because I carry a big stick and I'm the meanest mother-fudger in the valley! Two sharks down, Lord! One demon fish to go! Can I get an Amen?! Ahh, Preacher, you were the only good thing in that movie.' Cassius thought to himself as he went, 'still, nothing like a shark film to put you off swimming in the sea ever again. In fact, great whites can even be found off the coast of Britain so even Camber Sands is off menu, no matter how much strongbow you've drunk.'

Next morning, after a night full of reminiscing about shark films, Cassius thanked the Lord again that he lived on dry land and was pleased to see the sun rise. As he looked into the distance he saw a figure waving at him, he hurried closer and was pleased to see the smiling face of a vole.

'Alright mate!' the vole said, 'I'm Fred.'

'Cassius the Hedgehog, pleased to meet you,' Cassius replied and they shook hands. 'I think I recognise you?

'Well, I used to live in the same woods as you, but moved away when I noticed the gin slowly disappearing.' Fred told him.

'Smart move mate,' Cassius said, 'I'm actually heading up the Mountain of the Iron Lion to get some gin for a party.'

'I'm heading that way too as it happens, got a cousin who lives just the other side of the mountain, mind if I walk a while with you?

'That's a-okay with me,' Cassius replied.

'Right,' said Fred. 'Let's go.'

Fred and Cassius walked on together for some time. Fred was a pretty cool vole so Cassius was glad of his company. Unfortunately he was also a sucker for magazines that cover a range of topics, from current affairs, to fashion and entertainment so when he came across an issue of Vanity Fair that had been discarded carelessly by the side of the road, he just HAD to sit down and read it.

'Sorry mate, I ain't got time to wait, I'm gasping for a G&T,' Cassius told him and so they parted ways. Don't worry though, faithful readers, there is still hope for good chat as another vole, called Hal joined Cassius for his mountain adventure. Hal and Cassius also got on really well as Hal had some well good stories about his other adventures, like his safari adventure, his underwater adventure, his Arctic adventure and his Amazon adventure. Hal's tales helped pass the time and before they knew it the sun had set so they decided to spend the night in this random castle that they stumbled upon in their travels.

When they woke up they found themselves staring into the eyes of an enormous man.

'Woah there!' Cassius exclaimed, scrambling away from the giant, 'what do you want?'

'Have you come for the autumn feast?' the giant asked them.

'Uhh, no, and this ain't no Narnian tale, so I'm not falling for that ol' spin, I know about your cookbook and you are not eating me or any other talking animals for that matter,' Cassius retorted.

'HAHAHAHA!' boomed the man, 'I shall imprison you here forever until you despair of all hope for a G&T!'

'Nice one Dean,' came a woman's voice, as another giant entered the room,'I told you imprisoning woodland creatures would be fun, I've already got one here' and she pointed into the corner.

'That's Adam Sandler!' Hal exclaimed, 'he ain't no woodland creature!'

'Sorry I'm not better looking.' Adam replied.

'SHUT UP ADAM, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE?' Cassius shouted

'I swear I'm the guy hiding in the frozen food section, calling 911.'

'That isn't the frozen food section Adam.' Hal told him.

'What are you? My therapist? Go take a walk.'

'Well that would be just lovely Adam, but I'm imprisoned in a castle by giants.' Hal said. 'Got any other ideas?'

'I turned 40 in September, thank you... my goal is to make it through the next hour without having to get up and pee.' Adam said and with that he turned his back on Cassius and Hal.

'Well that was fun.' Cassius said, 'but I think we'll be leaving now. See ya Adam.'

'DAMN YOU SCUBA STEVE!' Adam screamed.

'It's Cassius actually. Cassius the Hedgehog, and you'd do well to remember that name.' Cassius informed him as they shut the door.

As the hedgehog and the vole scurried away from the castle they hi-fived each other, pleased to have escaped. They could see some lush looking mountains and decided to head towards them. As they reached the foot of the mountain range a shepherd approached them. He was a friendly guy called Phil who had some sound advice about safe routes through the mountains and also types of chair, for example, the Windsor. Following Phil's advice they continued on their journey. After a short while they found themselves getting sleepier and sleepier.

'I am getting sleepier and sleepier,' Cassius yawned.

'Me too, I could just lie down on the ground here and have a nice little nap,' Hal agreed.

'I don't think that's a good idea mate, we're nearly there, I can almost smell the gin.' Cassius urged Hal on. 'Come on, mate no time to be lazy.'

'I have a confession to make Cassius,' Hal said sheepishly, 'I used to prefer vodka.'

'WHAT!' Cassius cried, 'how could you?!'

'Well, I was just to scared to try gin, I never knew how versatile it was in cocktails.' Hal told him.

'Thank goodness you saw the error of your ways pal, gin is the best spirit.' And so Cassius told Hal about all his favourite gin based drinks to keep him awake.

Finally they started to feel refreshed and the land around them grew less and less barren. Fruits and flowers surrounded them and they were glad that they hadn't slept. They could see the gin fountain up ahead at the highest point of the Mountain and hurried forwards with glee. But Hal stopped suddenly as a river with no bridge was blocking their way.

'OH NO!' Hal exclaimed in horror, 'we can't go over it, we can't go under it, we'll have to go through it!' Keen for the gin, he dived straight in and splish splash, splish splash, he made it to the other side. Turning to face Cassius he beckoned his friend over. Taking a deep breath Cassius jumped. As soon as he hit the water his little legs began paddling furiously to get him to the other side. But Cassius is only a little hedgehog and he soon became tired, his head slipping under wave after wave.

'Come on Cassius! Think of the gin!' Hal cheered him on and Cassius found a last burst of energy and pushed himself up onto the river bank.

'Phew, that was a close one!' Cassius gasped as he lay exhausted on the grass. Then his little hedgehog nose began to twitch...'Hal!' he exclaimed with joy, 'I can smell the gin!' With a hop, skip and a jump, the two friends found themselves at the fountain where the canaries greeted them with happiness. The fountain shone with a rainbow of different colours and the gin flowed crisp and clear. Together they filled up all the bottles and the canaries carried them and the gin back to the woods.

'WE'VE GOT THE GIN!' Cassius shouted as they landed safely back home. All the woodland creatures hurried out to meet them and they had a well good party with well loads of gin and cheesecake and dancing and then Christina the fox was sick.

Cassius The Hedgehog's Progress. Part 1.

This one time, right Cassius the Hedgehog was suffering from anguish. Spiritual anguish. He was a-wailing and a-moaning, gibbering about his past regrets. Like that one time when he mistook a mento for a Werther's Original and ate it instead of throwing it at Marcus the Squirrel and that other time when he got Lea and Perrins on his bow tie and this other time when he lost the disc of Wallace and Gromit - Curse of the Were-rabbit and was forever tormented by the empty dvd case. But this time the regret was even bigger. Cassius the Hedgehog had run out of gin, all he had were loads of empty bottles as he couldn't bring himself to part with them. Now don't you go thinking that Cassius is an alcoholic or nothing. He'd gone without for three days and things were getting desperate. He'd tried the Co-op round the corner but they never have anything you want and just suck you into buying two packets of Walkers Sensations because it's buy one get one free but you only came in for gin. But they had no gin which had lead to Cassius' spritual anguish. The woodland creatures were throwing a party in a weeks time and nowhere could they find any gin to make Martinis with, at this rate, the party was gonna be well bad.

Suddenly, through his tears Cassius saw a figure appear.

'Oi oi batty boy,' the voice said 'my name is Evan, I know you well want some gin but there ain't none to be found in this wood. And don't go thinking that you can just go into town and pick some up there, Tunbridge Wells is dry. You must take all your empty bottles and go to The Mountain of the Iron Lion, where there are fountains of gin'. The figure then vanished into the trees leaving our hedgehog friend baffled. He rushed to Enrique's house and told the badger what he had seen, begging Enrique to accompany him to the Mountain of the Iron Lion but Enrique refused.

'Mate I've got too much to do, I'm experimenting with a Percy Pig flavour cheesecake for the party.' Enrique told him. 'You're on your own for this one. Sozza.'

So Cassius left, leaving his bestest badger buddy behind. Because Cassius well loves the gin. And spiritual anguish ain't no walk in the park. It's a walk to the mountain. He was carrying the burden of all the empty bottles with him so he could fill them all up so it was pretty heavy going and that. He had only been walking a short way when two rats caught up with him.

'Cassius! Oi!' they shouted, 'where ya going?

'Who are you?' he asked them.

'We're Oliver and Peter, and we think you're well dumb to go all the way to the Mountains just to get some gin,' they told him.

'Listen guys, this well sound bloke called Evan told me in good faith about the fountains of gin at the top of the Mountain, it's gonna be well whack.' Cassius explained.

'That does sound pretty whack.' Peter concurred, 'mind if I join?'

'Oh, you two disgust me,' said Oliver. 'I'm going back. Laterz.'

Peter and Cassius carried on walking together. Peter had some good chat about Usher and how he'd developed a penchant for juggling over ripe peaches and canaries so Cassius didn't mind the company. Peter was excited about the fountain on the mountain and was proper keen to get his hands on some gin. He was busy listing all the cocktails he was gonna make when they found the ground beneath their feet was becoming softer.

'Oh my dayz!' Cassius cried, 'we're sinking!' They were getting deeper and deeper, almost up to their waists in the bog. Peter the Rat managed to grab onto a tree root on one side and slowly pulled himself out.

'Help me! Oi, you massive scumbag! COME BACK!' Cassius shouted, but Peter the Rat just ran away, leaving poor Cassius shouting for help by himself.

'You called?' came a voice from the top of the tree. Cassius looked up to see a kestrel swooping down towards him. 'My names Elpha the Kestrel, need a hand?'

'Yes please mate! I'm nearly up to my neck in mud!' Cassius gasped.

Once Elpha had carried Cassius and his backpack of bottles out of the bog, he thanked her for coming to his aid and told her all about his journey to find the fountain of gin at the top of the Mountain of the Iron Lion. She wished him the best of luck with his mission. but admitted to being more of a vodka fan and sent him on his way with a wave. Cassius continued walking, glad to be rid of a scoundrel like Peter the Rat who was clearly well bad chat and not the type to go hill-walking with. He'd just managed to get the last of the bog mud off his spines when he saw a rabbit watching him from the bushes. As he got nearer it hopped out to greet him.

'Well hello there little hedgehog, where are you off to this fine day?' the rabbit asked, his eyes darting from Cassius' face to the bag of bottles and back again.

'I'm just taking a stroll up to the Mountain of the Iron Lion to fill these bad boys up, we're having a party in a few days and the Co-op's all out. Apparently there are fountains of gin at the top of the mountain.' Cassius informed the rabbit.

'Well, my names Wilbur and by the whiskers on my nose I reckon I can help relieve some of that burden you're carrying' the rabbit said.

'Oh right cool, you wanna come with?' Cassius asked him.

'No, no, I mean I'm actually from Tunbridge Wells Borough Council and we're trying to cut down on glass litter by encouraging recycling,' Wilbur the Rabbit told Cassius, 'in fact if you turn off this path and head into the town there are many facilities for recycling glass, I'm sure you don't need to fill up ALL those bottles, they look very heavy.'

'Hmmm, they are very heavy and I do love a bit of recycling,' Cassius mused. 'I guess I can shift some of them down there. Cheers for the tip-off Wilbur.' And with that Cassius turned off the path and headed down into town.

Cassius made it to the Millennium Clock in the town centre when a mist fell upon him. Squinting into it he saw Evan coming towards him. And he didn't look too pleased.

'Cassius my man, what did I tell you!? You must take all the bottles to the mountain to get your gin. You can't just wander off!'

'Oh maanzz, I'm sorry pal, didn't realise! If I go back now, can I still get some gin?' Cassius asked.

'Oh yeh, no worries,' Evan reassured him, 'just don't listen to that rabbit again, he's been done for impersonating borough council members three times now. Nightmare!'

'Wow, what an oddball,' Cassius said, 'I can think of well better people to impersonate.'

'Exactomondo.' Evan agreed. 'And another thing, what's with the mist?'

'Oh, I thought that was you, you know, for effect and that.' said Cassius, confused.

'What are you on batty?!' Evan cried, 'I ain't no ghost or nothing, just have a vast knowledge of gin fountain locations, think we're just having some weather.'

'Riight.' Cassius nodded, 'I'll just be off then...'

Back in the woods Cassius was growing weary, the bottles were heavy and he was beginning to lose hope of ever finding the mountain, dragging his little hedgehog feet along the ground. Trying to keep his spirits up he began to sing the greatest hits of Leann Rimes. He was halfway through 'On the side of angels', when he saw a gate up ahead. As he drew closer he saw a sign which read: 'You've got to knock. Innit.' So he did. At the sound of his knock a crow flew down and landed on one of the posts.

'Alright pal, I'm Will the Crow. Wanna see something special?'

'Always.' Cassius replied. At his answer the crow screwed up his face with concentration, croaking with effort.

'Erm, whatcha doing weirdo?' Cassius inquired. Will let out a sigh and relaxed his face muscles.

'I'm supposed to will the gate open, but it never works.' the crow told the hedgehog, with an embarrassed smile.

'Ok... want to just help me push it then?' Cassius suggested. Will nodded sheepishly and together they heaved the heavy gate open.

'Just in time actually,' Will informed Cassius as they hurried through, 'there's some nutter in a tree over there throwing skittles at you. Now, how's the journey going?' So Cassius told Will all about Evan's advice, Enrique's refusal to accompany him, the bog, Peter's desertion and Wilbur the Rabbit. Will seemed impressed and advised Cassius to head to a nearby house where he would learn more about gin.'

'I well love gin,' Cassius sighed as he waved goodbye to Will the Crow, 'this stuff had better be good though.'

Once inside, a deer showed Cassius a picture of a man. 'Who's that?' Cassius asked the deer.

'Franciscus Sylvius,' the deer told him, 'he is a Dutch physicist who invented the bev we all love best.'

'Excellent bit of trivia that,' Cassius said. 'What a legend.' The deer then showed Cassius into a new room where he instructed another deer to throw ice at Gordon Ramsey. Cassius was shocked at Gordon's acceptance of this behaviour and even more so when another deer hurled slices of lemon and lime at him. The first deep explained that both are necessary parts of a gin and tonic. He then moved into the next room where one deer was pouring vodka into a glass, whilst another poured gin.

'See there are always some batties who think vodka makes a better martini than gin,' the deer explained.

'Nutterz.' Cassius said, shaking his head in disgust. 'I heard that Madonna prefers vodka to gin, but then again she's also renowned for her morbid fascination with electrocuting canaries, so she's clearly a crackpot.'

'You are a true gin lover and defender of canaries', the deer concluded. This will help you in your quest.'

Cassius left the house of the deer, and continued towards the mountains. The path grew rocky and he tripped, his heavy bag pushing him off balance. He braced himself for a fall, but none came. Opening his eyes, Cassius saw a flock of canaries who had caught him before he fell.

'Cheers little fellaz,' Cassius said, as they set him down safely.

'That's alright matey, we help anyone who supports the anti-canary electrocution movement, in fact, we can help you with that heavy back-pack now,' the canaries twittered.

'Wow, you are kind,' Cassius smiled at them. As the flock carried off the bottles towards the mountains, a few stayed and gave Cassius a straw and a pass for the gin fountain.

'Peace out, Cassius!' the canaries shouted as they flew away, 'see you at the top!'

Relieved of his burden Cassius decided to stop for the night as it was getting dark. Curling up into a ball he snuggled down amongst some dead leaves. He knew that the next day he could continue his journey for the gin and so he slept, dreaming of hubba bubba. His fave flavour was sweet and sassy cherry.

To be continued...