Cassius The Hedgehog and The Voice Changer.

This one time, right, Cassius the Hedgehog was a wee bit bored. Now Cassius ain't usually one of these fellas who succumbs to boredom, no siree, but this day he was really at a loss. He'd already done some hula-hooping, eaten a cheese and pickle sandwich, watched three and a half episodes of 'Desperate Housewives', and even made a miniature bar stool for mice out of a cork and some toothpicks, (a neat little trick he'd picked up off an old school teacher.)

Cassius sat back to admire his finished bar stool and again thought how lucky he'd been to pick up that little gem from such a learned educator and purveyor of the arts. As he did so he noticed that his free pen collection was looking more than a little messy.

'Sacre bleu!' Cassius thought to himself, 'I shall have to give these a tidy.' Cassius well loved a free pen, and his collection had been steadily growing since he's notice the wealth of opportunity out there for a free pen lover.

'This blue one I got from the library, the red one in an information pack about substance abuse, a yellow one from the promoter of a local nightclub, this green one from the reception desk of the Spa Hotel, another blue one that I found on the train, left by a careless commuter, a white one in a cerebral palsy awareness pack, the little purple one what I nicked from Argos, a clear ballpoint pen that came with the prospectus for The University of Glasgow and the cream of the crop, this free Parker pen what I got just for enquiring about an over 50s life insurance plan with Sun Life Direct!'

With his free pens neatly arranged in order of preference, Cassius finally realised that there was officially nothing else to do in his little house so he decided to go see his bestest badger buddy, Enrique.

'OI OI BATTY BOY!' Cassius bellowed through Enrique's open front window.

'Calm down Cassius mate, I've already heard about your alliterating antics and I'm havin' none of that this time. There are plenty more letters in the sea' Enrique told him as he came outside.

'Yeh, whatever mate, I am well bored and I am relying on you to come up with a well rad plan to brighten my day.'

'Have you done your daily quota of hula-hooping yet?' Enrique enquired

'Of course I have, did whilst watching Desperate Housewives innit.' Cassius told him

'And how is Mrs Solis?'

'An inspiration, as always.'

'I'm glad to hear it. Oh. have you tried drinking coffee through a straw?'

'Look Enriquezz, me and Christina was all over that whilst you were off in Cornwall painting the town red with Johnny-boy. Did the council ever come after you about that by the way?'

'Nah mate, we told them it's was just an expression and they let us off.'

'Nice save.' Cassius said.

'Well, Have you sorted out your free pen collection? I was just dusting mine off as you arrived.' Enrique asked him

'Yeh man, got my free Parker pen from Sun Life Direct in pride of place, as I trust you have too?

'Of course I do, you know how much I love a free pen.'

'That I do Enrique, I think I know better than anyone else. Need I remind you of that embarassing moment in Argos?' Cassius said

'Alright mate, no need to be dragging up that past. What can I say, they shouldn't leave so many free pens lying about.' Enrique quickly changed the subject, 'Why don't we go down town and see if we can't amuse ourselves round there? Obviously NOT in Argos though.'

'Yeh best to avoid there eh, don't want anymore trouble.' Cassius concurred.

So Cassius and Enrique headed off down town to see what they could find to do. They hit Topshop first, but as they are both pretty well set for accessories, they couldn't find much to amuse themselves there with. Next they went to the food court for a nana milkshake, but they bumped into Joe the Tortoise who was still on his dairy exclusion diet so they felt bad drinking in front of him and decided to have a carrot and orange juice instead. After that refreshing little interlude they decided to head over to Hawkin's Bazaar, on a recommendation from Joe.

'This was a well good plan Cassius!' Enrique exclaimed, 'look at this backwards clock!'

'That is well rad! Cassius said, 'and check out this TALKING GARDEN GNOME!'

'EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WANTED IS IN THIS SHOP!' Enrique cried in ecstasy.

'I KNOW RIGHT!' Cassius squealed as he threw handfuls of 'sparky the barky dogs' into the air.

'DO YOU THINK THEY HAVE FREE PENS?' Enrique said, quivering with joy and throwing handfuls of 'chubby Buddha' models into the air.

'OH! BATTY! SHUT UP ABOUT THE FREE PENS!' Cassius shouted, 'LOOK AROUND YOU, THERE'S EVEN COLOURING CHANGING PUTTY, LITTLE STRETCHY MEN, THE WORLDS FIRST TALKING HAMSTER, well that's a lie, my second cousin Jessica the Hamster could talk the back legs off a bison, OH OH CRIME SCENE BOG ROLL, FINGER FRIGHTS, BENDY MEN, KAZOOS, A BALLOON POWERED TRAIN...!'

'So we won't be going back in there again for a while.' Enrique muttered

'Yeh, I'm pretty sure that was an inappropriate amount of enthusiasm for a small shop that sells toys, gadgets and old fashioned relics,' Cassius agreed.

'Shame we couldn't have spent more time in there though,' Enrique said.

'Yeh, shame they threw us out the door and warned us that they'd call the police if we ever returned.'

'Well, at least I managed a quick purchase before we landed in the gutter.' Enrique revealed, smiling.

'OH WOW, WHAT DID YOU GET, ANIMAL CASTANETS?' Cassius shrieked.

No, better, a VOICE CHANGER!' Enrique revealed with glee.

'THIS SHALL BE AMAZING.'

Voice changer in paw, Cassius and Enrique headed off to see what amusement their new purchase could bring them. Firstly they snuck round the back of Marcus the Squirrel's house, and using the voice changer to make them sound like daleks they ordered him to give up his coffee or be exterminated. Then they ran off to Pam the Weasel's and hid in her shrubbery, giving her dalek versions of Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face', B*Witched's 'Blame it On The Weatherman' and Real 2 Real's 'I Like To Move It Move It' whilst she tried to sunbathe. After that they called Colin the Toad and pretended to be a phone survey offering £15 of Halford's vouchers, Colin well loves Halfords so he answered some of the questions, but then Cassius kept calling him a frog so he got well pissed off and then Enrique kept laughing so he got even more pissed off so even the lure of the Halford's vouchers wasn't enough to keep on the phone, especially after Cassius asked him if he knew the five little speckled frogs that had allegedly jumped off a speckled log. Finally the crouched outside Christina the Fox's bedroom window and shouted 'GONE AWAY!' and ' HOLLOA' to trick her into thinking that Davie Camerz had lifted the ban on hunting, which never fails to get her riled, funnily enough.

'THAT WAS WELL RAD!' Cassius yelled once they were back in his living room.

'Yeh man, I still say we should call 10 Downing Street and tell them to give up the Doctor or surrender the whole country for extermination.' Enrique said

'You always have to take it too far don'tcha batty, what have I told you about playing pranks on important figures?' Cassius scolded

'Sorry mate, you know I get carried away.'

'Speaking of getting carried away, d'ya think we should call it a day with the voice changer, don't wanna get beaten by any coat hangers or bottles of vimto today.' Cassius reminded him

'You are right there batty, do you think they'll know it was us?'

'Nah, they think we're far too sophisticated for any of those sort of shennanigans.'

'You're right there Cassius my friend, do you wanna go drink Guinness through a straw?'

'I can think of no greater joy, oh by the way I forget to mention that I managed to get us a free pen each from a Scope stand in town. Technically it wasn't totally free as I gave them money, but it was a voluntary donation and you got a sticker as well.' Cassius informed Enrique

'Man, this was the best day ever.'

'I well love a free pen.'

'Me too.'

Unfortunately Cassius and Enrique's use of poor grammar and incorrect syntax gave them away and they were walloped by Christina the Fox's sat nav that her Grandma got when she took out a Guaranteed over 50 plan with Sun Life Direct. Oh well at least it weren't no coat hanger, they got a sting like nothing you've ever felt before.

If like Cassius you well love a free pen then why not visit http://www.scope.org.uk/ you might not get a free pen but you could donate some money anyway and then nick a pen from Argos. Everyone's a winner.

Except Argos.

Cassius The Hedgehog does not endorse any over 50 life insurance plan, free Parker pen or not. He ain't even over 50. Obviously.