Cassius The Hedgehog and The Paint.

This one time, right, Cassius decided that he wanted to repaint his house. He called up his bestest ever friend Enrique the Badger and said 'Oi oi, batty boy! Let's hit B&Q for some paint and that.'
' YEHHH!! I is well up for some a that and ting!' said Enrique.
'Alright mate, it's just some paint, chillax.' Cassius told him and hung up.

Once they got to B&Q they went and found Colin the Toad because he works there and get's a 20% discount.
'OH! Colin! It true you gets 20% off here?' Cassius asked.
'Yeh blud, your fact is correcto. I also am eligible for a bonus as I have worked here for over six months.' Colin replied.
'Niice one mate.' Enrique said. 'Can you use your discount to get us some paint? Cassius here is re-decorating.'
'Yeh man, whatcha want, we got Dulux, Crown, Living Etc, B&Q value..' Colin listed.
'Look, a little less conversation a little more action please Colin, I just want some cheap red paint to match my bow tie, do I look like I can afford any of that fancy nonsense?' Cassius said.
'Alright Cassie, keep your wig on.' Colin said.
'OI! I AIN'T NO GIRLY AND ALL THAT. IT'S CASSIUS INNIT. A GOOD STRONG NAME. IT'S ROMAN. AND I DON'T WEAR NO WIG. I'M ALL SPINES AND BOW TIE.' Cassius yelled.
'Cassius means vain or empty.' Enrique piped up.
'PIPE DOWN ENRIQUE. YOUR NAME MEANS IDIOT HEAD.' Cassius shouted.
'Actually it means home-ruler, so put a muffin in it Cassius.' Enrique told him.
'Oh yeh, you can talk abotu muffins. I saw ya, I saw ya with that muffin man, scoffing your face you was. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN ONE OF THEM MUFFINS?'
'Nah.' shrugged Enrique.
'Me neither and unless you want me to find out and ruin your day as WELL as your waistline then I suggest you help me find some paint boyo.' Cassius concluded.

Colin the Toad stood there for a moment bemused, until Cassius yelled 'OH! COLIN! SORT YA LIFE OUT AND SHOW ME THE PAINT!' at which point he hurried off and returned with some colour strips.
'I got warm red, deep red, roasted red, red barn, oriental red, red carpet - that's reduced.' Colin told them.
'I'll reduce you in a minute mate. Just gimme the red carpet one.' Cassius said.

Twenty-five minutes later Cassius and Enrique were back and with headscarfs and overalls on they began to paint Cassius' room. It was looking well good and really matched Cassius' bow tie.
'Red's quite an angry colour thought innit? Do you think that's a good idea? Enrique asked.
'Oh great, cheers Enrique, tell me NOW.'
'Just saying.'
'Well don't. How much paint is there left?'
'None.'
'NONE?!'
'None.'
'NONE?!?!?!'
'None.'
'None.'
'NONE?!?!?!?!'
'None.'
'NONE?!?!?!?!?!?!'
'None.'

'Bummer.'

'What you gonna do Cassius? We've still got one wall left.' Enrique asked
'There's gotta be some left, we bought loads.' Cassius replied
'Maybe we shouldn't have put some in balloons and dropped it on Pam the Weasel's head.' Enrique pointed out.
'Maybe we shouldn't have poured some into Christina the Fox's Bloody Mary.' Cassius said.
'Maybe we shouldn't have written on the walls of the school corridor THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED AGAIN.' Enrique added.
'Maybe we shouldn't have put it on Roland the Magpie's chips.' Cassius admitted.
'Maybe we shouldn't have painted moustaches on all the pictures in today's newspapers.' Enrique said.
'Maybe we shouldn't have re-painted the benches in the park without leaving wet paint signs.' Cassius pointed out.
'Maybe we shouldn't have painted all my white fur red to give me more of an edge.' Enrique added.
'Yeh, you got a point there matey.' Cassius agreed. 'Are you sure that there's none left?'
'Positive.' Enrique told him.
'Lemme just check.' Cassius said and crawled into the paint pot to see what was left.
'CASSIUS NO!!' Enrique exclaimed, but it was too late. Cassius stood up, the paint pot stuck firmly on his head.

'Cassius you muppet.' Enrique said, shaking his head.
'This ain't even funny.' Cassius said, his voice muffled by the paint pot.
'Is a bit though innit. Maybe it's karma for Christina's Bloody Mary.' Enrique suggested.
'SHUT UP BADGER.' Cassius yelled. 'This is NOT a good accessory. I cannot see a thing.' and in his panicked hedgehog state he started running round and round the room, bashing into the walls, the furniture, Enrique, the bowl of pears, the empty bottle of Tango, the washing basket, the stationary cupboard, EVERYTHING. He looked a lot like this poor mite here:




Only much sexier. Because Cassius is a pretty cool dude.

Once Enrique had got Cassius to calm down he took him to see Pam the Weasel to see if she could help, but she wouldn't help because they had thrown paint balloons at her head and she beat the with a lemon squezzer. Next they went to find Christina the Fox, but she wouldn't help because they put paint in her drink and she beat them with a bottle of Vimto. Then they tried Roland the Magpie, but he wouldn't help because they had put paint on his chips and he beat them with a hanger. Finally they tried Marcus the Squirrel but he's well grumpy and beat them with a shoe horn for no good reason other than he hadn't had his coffee that morning because he was trying to restrict his caffeine intake.

Bruised and battered Cassius and Enrique sat down on the park bench to think.
'Just give it one more pull Enrique please, I'm suffocating in here.' Cassius begged.
'So Enrique gave the paint pot one last pull and suddenly it just flew off! Turned out that all that beating had loosened it! So that was good news. Unfortunately the bad news was that they had sat on a bench that they themselves had painted so they both had red bottoms. Much like baboons. FOOLS.



Cassius would like to remind you that hedgehogs are inquisitive and are often attracted by the remaining contents in food rubbish, this can lead to them being found with their heads stuck in tins, yoghurt pots and plastic cups. Always cut the plastic rings of “carry 4 and 6 pack” holders to avoid unnecessary deaths and dispose of rubbish responsibly. If Cassius' mates gets hurt, rest assured that minty hail will be heading your way very soon.

Cassius The Hedgehog and The Muffin Man.

This one time, right, Cassius and his badger buddy were taking a casual stroll.
'Have you seen the muffin man?'Enrique the Badger asked Cassius.
'The muffin man?'Cassius retorted,
'Yeh mate, the muffin man!'
'Nah.' said Cassius 'why?'
'Just because I fancy some apple pie,' Enrique told him
'Well the apple pie man's over there mate!' Cassius pointed out
'OH! BATTY! OBVIOUSLY I IS WANTING MUFFINS THAT IS WHY I IS LOOKING FOR THE MUFFIN MAN INNIT.' Enrique shouted.
'Oh. Right. Innit.' Cassius said, scratching his nose.

Cassius and Enrique had become well close since Cassius' party when he made Enrique cheesecake and they had been on many an outing together. They'd been up Camden, down Brighton and this one time they got a well cheap megabus deal up to Glasgow where they drank some Yogi Yogi Chai at Tchai Ovna, went vintage shopping in the West End and then danced like mad to some dubstep at Artschool. That was well rad. All in all they were now inseparable and were the coolest critters around. Anyone who was anyone wanted to roll with them and some daft kids had even been working bow ties and trilbys to try and copy their banging look.

Anyway right, this fine day the two decided that as the only man they could find was the apple pie man and they well wanted some muffins that they would search for the muffin man and GET SOME. First they tried Drury Lane.

'He does live on Drury Lane.' Cassius said.
'He does?!' Enrique cried, 'I'll bear that in mind.'

Unfortunately the muffin man weren't home. His wife was though and she gave them some shortcake but they STILL well wanted some muffins.
'To be honest I haven't seen him at all today,' she told them 'right state he was in last night, drank too much Sailor Jerry and was dropping his muffins all over the shop, muttering something about the apple pie man taking all his business.'
'Yeh he likes a drink does the muffin man,' Cassius concurred.

The muffin man's wife also said he might be playing golf so next they headed there. Roland the Magpie was on the golf course, playing a round with Adam Sandler, (Roland later denied rumours that they had electrocuted a canary earlier that day in order to win a bet with Madonna.)

'Whatchoo doing rolling around and that on the fairway with Adam Sandler?!' Cassius yelled 'You know he's famous for his ludicrous hate campaign against canaries!'
'I ain't playing around with him, you misread that innit, I'm just playing a round OF GOLF with him, we're putting our differing opinions on canaries to the sidelines for the next half an hour.' Roland replied.
'Ohh, I see' Cassius said 'Have you seen the muffin man?'
'The muffin man?' asked Roland and Adam Sandler in unison.
'THE MUFFIN MAN!' cried Cassius and Enrique.
'And don't tell us he lives on Drury Lane, we tried there, but he weren't in.' Enrique added.
'Nah mate,' Roland replied, 'not seen him since Christmas Eve, he's had far too much mulled wine mind, RIGHT state he was in, dropping his muffins all over the shop and muttering something about Madonna and her sick games with babies and animals alike.'
'Yeh he's always been one for a drink that muffin man,' said Cassius. 'Well, thanks anyway. I guess we'll try somewhere else.'
'You could try the beach,' Adam Sandler suggested, 'I've seen the muffin man walking amongst the dunes many a time.'
'SHUT UP SANDLER YOU AIN'T NO WOODLAND CREATURE, WHAT ARE YA EVEN DOING HERE?!' Cassius shouted.
'Uh, Cassius, neither is the muffin man...' Enrique pointed out.
'YEH, WELL HIS GRANDMA WAS A VOLE SO HE'S NEARLY THERE.' Cassius told him.
'Really?!' said Roland.
'Yeh, now get back to your golfy tomfoolery, We're going to the beach.' Cassius said, 'come on Enrique.'

Forty-five minutes later they were at the beach, where Pam the Weasel and Christina the Fox were having a game of ultimate frisbee.
'It may be ultimate,' Cassius said, 'but at the end of the day, it's little more than a dog toy.'
'OI! YOU SEEN THE MUFFIN MAN!?' shouted Enrique
'WHAT?!' Pam shouted back. Cassius and Enrique hurried closer.
'I said, have you seen the muffin man?' Enrique asked.
'The muffin man?'
'Yeh, the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane but he's not there, or at the golf course.'
'Oh, that batty boy, no, he's not at the beach, last time I saw him, he'd had too much Guinness and was in a RIGHT state, dropping his muffins all over the shop and muttering something about frisbee not being a real sport.' Christina the Weasel told them.
'Well it's not really.' Cassius said. 'Neither's American football in my opinion, but we'll say no more about THAT.'
'Always been one for a drink that muffin man, don't I always say, eh Cassius?' said Enrique.
'No you dimmy, that's what I always say.' Cassius said and bonked Enrique on the trilby.
'Look Cassius, I is getting tired and that, shall we just go to the pub?' Enrique asked.
'NO. WE STARTED THIS AND WE'RE GONNA FINISH IT.' Cassius stated. 'Okay, we'll just have one gin and tonic and then we'll carry on.'

So off they went to Spoons for a quick drink. As they went in they saw a figure covered in flour, slumped over the bar, clutching a vodka and cranberry juice and muttering something about antioxidants.'
'That fella's in a right state,' Enrique whispered.
'Oh lordie, it's the muffin man!' Cassius exclaimed,
'The muffin man?' Enrique said
'YEH THE MUFFIN MAN BATTY! Cassius yelled and bonked Enrique on the trilby again.'I always said he was one for a drink.'
'We should really have looked here first then,' Enrique said.
'Yehhh... OH LOOK GIN AND TONIC IS ONLY 99P IN THE JANUARY SALE!!' Cassius gasped as he saw the drinks deals.
'This is the best day of my life' Enrique said and they both sat down with the muffin man and got well trashed and ate muffins and all that.