Cassius The Hedgehog and The Cheesecake.

There was this one time, right, when Cassius decided that he wanted to hold a well rad party for all his animal friends. He had also heard that some badger bloke called Enrique who always wore a trilby had just moved into the area and everyone thought that he was well cool and that. 'I ain't having this,' thought Cassius, 'I'm the coolest critter for at least a five mile radius.'

So Cassius set about organising this party of his. First of all he got himself on facebook and set up an event. This took him longer than expected because he wanted to think of a well rad name for his party that caught everyones' attention and made them go 'woah, Cassius is the boss. I NEED to be at this shindig or my life will be over.' He started with 'Cassius' Shindig,' but that was nowhere near phat enough so he tried putting it in capitals. 'Hmmmm, still not enough...' pondered he and he added a few words here and there til it said:

'CASSIUS' WELL RAD SHINDIG WITH CAKE AND ALL THAT.' He then added 'if you don't attend, your life will be over' as the tagline. 'Coolbeans,' he said and invited everyone on his friend list. In the description he bigged up his event even more, describing all the sticky dubstep, grimy rock n roll and acoustic folk and world music he would be playing, the selection of beverages he would be expecting his mates to put in for and the cakes he was planning on baking. Cassius' fave cake was defos black forest gateau, but he thought he'd also make some fairy cakes with swear words written in icing on them to give them an edge and some scones.

A week later Cassius had everything ready, four different flavours of crisps in bowls, (he'd hidden the packets to make sure Roland the Magpie didn't get any funny ideas), a massive black forest gateau, platters of scones and rude fairy cakes, a gin fountain, onto which he stuck a sign saying 'KEEP YOUR MITTS OFF MY GIN BATTY BOYS OR I'LL SLICE YA' and a bath tub filled with various bottles and cans of cider, lager and alcopops (the latter only being there for decoration as Cassius knew his mates were well too hardcore to drink that.) He then stuck on some Ramadanman to get the party started and put on his fave lacy curtain as a cape, tucked into his bow tie, what he'd had dry cleaned especially.

After a short while the first guests arrived and pretty soon everyone was getting down and dirty. Anyone who was anyone was there, Roland the Magpie, Pam the Weasel, Colin the Toad and even Marcus the Squirrel. The party had been banging for a couple of hours when Colin the Toad came up to Cassius and said 'Oi oi batty boy, where's Enrique? He's well rad and I wanted to share this bottle of White Lightning with him.'

'Enrique don't drink that pish!' retorted Cassius, 'if he's well rad he'll be on at least a Kopparberg.'
'Don't gimme that Cassius, not all of us can afford to drink from a gin fountain every night.' said Colin, 'and anyway if Enrique is so rad then why ain't he at your party, if this is supposed to be the only place to be tonight?'
'He will be here Colin, don't you fret your Toady head.' Cassius assured him.
'Yeh well, you'd better hope he turns up soon otherwise your party will be a massive flop.' Colin told him and hopped off to grab some prawn cocktail crisps before Pam the Weasel ate them all.

'Oh lordie,' thought Cassius as he gulped down his fifth gin and tonic, 'Enrique better turn up and be impressed or my rep is ruined.' Then he looked up and saw Christina the Fox arriving. 'Christina knows Enrique pretty well,' he thought to himself, 'I'll go ask her if he's coming.' And off he shuffled up to Christina the Fox and said 'Christina, you know Enrique pretty well, d'ya know if he's coming?'

'I think he said he would later, he's down as attending on facebook anyway' Christina answered, 'but he says he won't hang about unless there's cheesecake.'
'WHAT?!' exclaimed Cassius 'I AIN'T MADE NO CHEESECAKE! I ONLY GOT SOME FAIRY CAKES WITH SWEAR WORDS ON, (ya know, to give 'em an edge) WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!?'
'Mate, you had better make some cheesecake toute suite or your rep will be RUINED.' Christina told him. So Cassius ran to his kitchen, all of a fluster, because he'd never made cheesecake before.

'I AIN'T MADE A CHEESECAKE BEFORE!' he screamed as he blundered about looking for some digestives, 'I'VE ONLY EATEN THE HONEYCOMB CHEESECAKE AT ASK TWICE, ONCE AT ROLAND'S BIRTHDAY AND ANOTHER TIME WHEN WE WAS HAVIN' A LEAVING MEAL FOR MARCUS THE SQUIRREL WHEN HE MOVED TO AUSTRALIA BUT IT WAS TOO HOT AND TOO DANGEROUS THERE SO HE MOVED BACK AND WE WENT TO PIZZA EXPRESS INSTEAD FOR HIS WELCOME BACK MEAL AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY HAVE CHEESECAKE ON THEIR DESSERT MENU.' At this point Pam the Weasel came in and Cassius turned to her and screamed 'I AIN'T EVER MADE CHEESECAKE BEFORE AND I'VE ONLY EATEN IT TWICE AND IF I DON'T MAKE ONE NOW THEN ENRIQUE THE BADGER WILL THINK I'M A LOSER!'

'Calm it Kermit!' said Pam.
'MY NAME AIN'T EVEN KERMIT! WHATCHOO BEEN DRINKIN' BATTY?' Cassius shrieked, tearing his spines out and reaching for another gin and tonic.
'Look Cassius, you batty boy, here are some digestives, you bash 'em up and I'll sort out the cheese and cream.' Pam said as she handed Cassius the ingredients that were LUCKILY just there in his cupboard.
'Pam I love you forever,' Cassius told her as he bashed up the biscuits. Soon the cheesecake was finished and setting in the fridge. Pam had persuaded Cassius not to write swear words on the top so instead he put some raspberries on top in the shape of a smiley face.
'Phew,' he said and gave Pam a hug, 'you proper saved my bacon mayte.' Suddenly everyone went quiet and Roland the Magpie flapped his way over to Cassius to tell him that Enrique was here. 'Quick, grab the cheesecake!' Cassius squealed at Pam and she hurried over to the table clutching it to her. Cassius watched her carefully, making sure she didn't drop it, because that would be well bad, like.

'Alright pal, ta for the invite, you got any cheesecake?' A voice from behind him said. Cassius jumped and turned around, there in all his badger glory, wearing a red trilby was Enrique.
'Yeh man, it's over on the table innit.' Cassius replied, cool as a cucumber.
'Good, I hope it's nice and cold, don't want none of ya room-temperature cake nonsense.' Enrique said.
'No fear, it's straight from the fridge. Nice hat by the way.' Cassius told him
'Cheers pal. It matches your bow tie and all, maybe we could be friends if I like your cheesecake.' Enrique said as he sauntered over to the cheesecake. Cassius held his breath as he watched Enrique take a slice. The whole party stopped and listened for Enrique's reaction. 'Not bad this.' the badger muttered as he took his first bite. Then he took another and another and another and pretty soon almost the whole cake was gone. Then, taking the plate up to Cassius he offered the hedgehog the last slice. 'I reckons that we are gonna be friends, my friend.' Enrique told him as Cassius bit into his slice of cheesecake.
'Yeh, innit, ya want some gin?' Cassius replied.

A few gin and tonics later and Cassius the Hedgehog, Enrique the Badger, Marcus the Squirrel, Pam the Weasel, Christina the Fox, Colin the Toad and Roland the Magpie were throwing some shapes to 'Lovecats' and then they climbed up in the trees and showered Christopher the Mouse, who's well grumpy like, with mentos and shrieked 'WATCH OUT FOR THE MINTY HAIL!' Cassius was well happy because gin and minty hail are his favourite things and as he sucked on another werthers original he smiled because he knew how to make well rad cheesecake AND had a well cool friend that he could go up Camden with.

Cassius The Hedgehog and The Lacy Curtain.

This one time, right, Cassius thought, I well need some more accessories to jazz up my look. First of all he went to Topshop and he saw some pretty tasty looking head gear with sequins and loads of cool shiz like that. But then he saw the price tag and said 'I AIN'T GOT EIGHT SQUID TO SPEND ON A HEADBAND!' So he got outta there pretty sharpish. Next of all Cassius hit Primark, where the price tags were well reasonable but he said 'SLAVE LABOUR PROBAS MADE ALL THIS CRAZY LOOKING GEAR!' To clinch the deal, he saw some woman with too much foundation on sneeze all over the earrings he had been checking out, so he got outta there pretty sharpish and all.

Cassius isn't one to give up. No sireee. His little hedgehog feet were getting a bit tired and his bow tie was a bit skew iff but would that deter him? NO. NEVER. NOT CASSIUS THE HEDGEHOG. He kept going, plodding down the high street, dodging taxis and grumpy commuters with their mobile phones. After some time he came to Urban Outfitters, he went in and well liked what he saw. He was in the middles of running his spines over a well cool belt when he looked around at all the other people in the shop looking at belts and leggings and necklaces and caps and realised that they were all well cool and he felt that his bow tie was a bit skew iff and that he had no cool footwear to adorn his aching toes. Cassius looked at all the people around him and said 'MAN I FEEL LIKE A FOOL, I AIN'T COOL ENOUGH TO WEAR THIS BELT, I AIN'T EVEN GOT A WAIST!' So he got outta there pretty sharpish.

Poor Cassius. He was not a happy hedgehog. He had been traipsing round all day and had found nothing to wear. 'Maybe I should just stick with my bow tie,' said he and he shuffled off towards his hedgehog home. On the way Cassius walked along the river. He had a little look at his reflection and saw that whilst he was a handsome hedgehog, his spines were all messed up, his eyes had bags under and his bow tie was so skew iff, it was almost skew off. 'I ain't even been drinking gin today,' he said and his hedgehog tears dripped off his nose and splashed into the water. 'I'm just not cool enough or rich enough for any of the accessories I want to wear.'

Suddenly Cassius caught sight of something white caught in a tree on the river bank. He moved closer and saw that there was a lacy curtain caught in the branches. 'WIKKIDY WOAH,' though he and he pressed his feet up against the trunk, trying to shake it free. It was no use. Little Cassius was not strong enough. At this point he heard a voice above him.

'Alright Cassi Wassi?' said the voice.

'Who's there?' asked Cassius

'It's me, Roland the magpie!' the voice said.

'ROLAND! Ma man. Can ya do an old pal a favour and get that lacy curtain down for me? I'll give you a werthers original.' Cassius said.

'I don't even like werthers originals, and don't give me none of ya minty hail either you batty boy, I'd rather have some jelly tots.' replied Roland.

'Jelly tots, schmelly tots, I'll get you whatever sweets you want if you get me that lacy curtain.' Cassius told him.

'It's a deal my friend.' Roland said and he flew down from the tree with the lacy curtain. 'Whaddya want with this old thing anyways?'

'I need a new accessory and I reckon this is the thing.' Cassius replied and he tucked the lacy curtain into his bow tie to make this well cool cape.

'That is well rad Cassius, you are so cool.' Roland told him as he admired Cassius in his lacy curtain. 'Now get me my jelly tots or I'll put a crisp packet over your head.'

Once Cassius had given Roland his jelly tots he trotted back home, his lacy curtain flowing along behind him. 'I look proper sexy,' he said to himself, 'I'm never gonna feel sad ever again. This lacy curtain cape has made me whole and I'm gonna wear it every time I go to a party and people will say "woaaah Cassius, you is well rad" and I'll say "yeh innit."

Cassius is a Hedgehog.

This is he:see?

Cassius well loves playing out in the sun and the rain and the snow. He also well loves his red bow tie. He's a friendly kind of guy, but his weakness is gin. Cassius well loves the gin and tends to drink too much and make a bit of a fool out of himself. This one time he drank so much his bow tie went all skew-iff and he pelted passers by with mentos screaming 'LOOK AT THE HAIL! THE HAILY HAIL! WATCH OUT FOR THE HAIL! MINTY MINITY HAIL.' Cassius don't really like mentos, he prefers a nice werthers original.