Cassius The Hedgehog's Progress. Part 2.

This one time, right, Cassius the Hedgehog had gone on a mission to the Mountain of the Iron Lion, to remedy his spiritual anguish by filling up his empty gin bottles at the fountain of gin. He'd come a long way but this well hard hill was up-ahead and he was NOT looking forward to it.

'Oh well' he sighed, I must suffer to bev up. And onwards he plodded, sweating like a hog. This isn't all that amazing as Cassius is a hedgeHOG but in fact it is a clever twist on the ol' saying 'sweating like a pig,' which doesn't even make sense because pigs don't sweat much because their sweat glands aren't that great. A better analogy would be 'sweating like a primate,' but whatever yeh.

Once Cassius got to the top of the well hard hill he saw a well pretty house where four shrews met him and took him inside for a breather. He was glad of the shelter and they also gave him some of their homemade percy pig flavour cheescake.

'Man, Enrique is gonna be well annoyed when I tell him you've already perfected this recipe. He thinks he's so alternative.' Cassius chuckled.

'Enrique IS so alternative!' the first shrew cried, 'I'd like to kiss the ground he walks on!'

'Well I'd like to smother my FACE in the ground he walks on!' cried another.

'Jeez, calm down.' Cassius said.

'Yeh, sorry about them,' the biggest shrew said and she handed him a pointy stick, 'here, take this pointy stick as an apology.'

'Cheers for that.' Cassius said, 'and he hurried off, away from the shrews who continued to debate whether cut off tights were still considered alternative or just unnecessary.

As he came away from the well pretty house, Cassius found that the ground was getting steadily steeper and steeper downwards. This did not please our little hedgehog friend as he does not well love going down hills because this one time, right, Cassius and his friend Pam the Weasel went hill walking and Cassius got really scared coming down the hill because it was so steep and he cried little hedgehog tears because he was scared of tripping and so he had to drink a whole bottle of red wine at the campfire that evening to cheer himself up and then he sang songs about smashing up bumblebees and felt empowered once more. Thinking about his little hedgehog tears made Cassius well embarrassed. Suddenly, a big sweaty primate jumped out in front of him, baring its teeth.

'Oi you little hedgehog fiend!' the monkey cried, 'how dare you spread rumours about my hyperhidrosis! I tried Mitchum, I tried Sure for Men but all to no avail. I've made an appointment with the doctor for Wednesday and hopefully he can prescribe me something or else send me to get botox injections in my armpits and then put my hands and feet in electrified water to stop the sweat.'

'Riight.' Cassius said, edging away from the clammy grasp of the Rhesus macaque. 'Sorry to hear about that one matey, but all the best and that.'

'GIVE ME 'NANA!' cried the monkey.

'Uh, sorry, I'm sure she's very lovely but I don't have your Grandmother to hand just now,' Cassius replied.

'GIVE ME 'NANA! 'NANA MILKSHAKE!'

'Oh, like nesquik? Sorry, pal, I didn't bring any with me, can I interest you in some leftover percy pig cheesecake?'

'SINCE WHEN WAS PERCY PIG CHEESECAKE A POPULAR FOOD AMONGST PRIMATES?' the crazed animal cried, shaking beads of sweat all over Cassius.

'WELL I DON'T KNOW MATE, LAST I HEARD HEDGEHOGS ONLY ATE BEETLES, INSECTS AND EARTHWORMS, BUT HERE I AM TREKKING ACROSS THIS WASTELAND EATING CHEESECAKE AND SEARCHING FOR GIN. MAYBE IT'S TIME TO TRY SOMETHING NEW FOR ONCE!' Cassius yelled.

'YEH, MAYBE IT IS. MAYBE IT'S TIME I WRAPPED YOU IN STICKY MUD AND BAKED YOU IN THE EMBERS OF A FIRE FOR MY DIN-DINS!' and with a roar the perspiring primate leapt forward and tried to grab Cassius by his spines. Well, I can tell you right now that Cassius was having none of that.

'TOO LONG HAVE YOU RUINED THAT POOR WOMAN'S FRUIT AND VEG STALL ON HUMAN PLANET. TOO LONG HAVE YOU HAUNTED HER STEPS.' He cried and grasping his pointy stick he jabbed the monkey in the bum bum. The monkey let out a screech and ran off into the distance, leaving only the lingering smell of body odour, hanging in the air. Cassius let out a sigh of relief and hurried on.

As night fell, Cassius found himself deep in the valley. An enormous shadow fell across the land and he was afraid. He didn't want to sleep in such a terrifying place so he plodded on through the darkness.

'Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. Because I carry a big stick and I'm the meanest mother-fudger in the valley! Two sharks down, Lord! One demon fish to go! Can I get an Amen?! Ahh, Preacher, you were the only good thing in that movie.' Cassius thought to himself as he went, 'still, nothing like a shark film to put you off swimming in the sea ever again. In fact, great whites can even be found off the coast of Britain so even Camber Sands is off menu, no matter how much strongbow you've drunk.'

Next morning, after a night full of reminiscing about shark films, Cassius thanked the Lord again that he lived on dry land and was pleased to see the sun rise. As he looked into the distance he saw a figure waving at him, he hurried closer and was pleased to see the smiling face of a vole.

'Alright mate!' the vole said, 'I'm Fred.'

'Cassius the Hedgehog, pleased to meet you,' Cassius replied and they shook hands. 'I think I recognise you?

'Well, I used to live in the same woods as you, but moved away when I noticed the gin slowly disappearing.' Fred told him.

'Smart move mate,' Cassius said, 'I'm actually heading up the Mountain of the Iron Lion to get some gin for a party.'

'I'm heading that way too as it happens, got a cousin who lives just the other side of the mountain, mind if I walk a while with you?

'That's a-okay with me,' Cassius replied.

'Right,' said Fred. 'Let's go.'

Fred and Cassius walked on together for some time. Fred was a pretty cool vole so Cassius was glad of his company. Unfortunately he was also a sucker for magazines that cover a range of topics, from current affairs, to fashion and entertainment so when he came across an issue of Vanity Fair that had been discarded carelessly by the side of the road, he just HAD to sit down and read it.

'Sorry mate, I ain't got time to wait, I'm gasping for a G&T,' Cassius told him and so they parted ways. Don't worry though, faithful readers, there is still hope for good chat as another vole, called Hal joined Cassius for his mountain adventure. Hal and Cassius also got on really well as Hal had some well good stories about his other adventures, like his safari adventure, his underwater adventure, his Arctic adventure and his Amazon adventure. Hal's tales helped pass the time and before they knew it the sun had set so they decided to spend the night in this random castle that they stumbled upon in their travels.

When they woke up they found themselves staring into the eyes of an enormous man.

'Woah there!' Cassius exclaimed, scrambling away from the giant, 'what do you want?'

'Have you come for the autumn feast?' the giant asked them.

'Uhh, no, and this ain't no Narnian tale, so I'm not falling for that ol' spin, I know about your cookbook and you are not eating me or any other talking animals for that matter,' Cassius retorted.

'HAHAHAHA!' boomed the man, 'I shall imprison you here forever until you despair of all hope for a G&T!'

'Nice one Dean,' came a woman's voice, as another giant entered the room,'I told you imprisoning woodland creatures would be fun, I've already got one here' and she pointed into the corner.

'That's Adam Sandler!' Hal exclaimed, 'he ain't no woodland creature!'

'Sorry I'm not better looking.' Adam replied.

'SHUT UP ADAM, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE?' Cassius shouted

'I swear I'm the guy hiding in the frozen food section, calling 911.'

'That isn't the frozen food section Adam.' Hal told him.

'What are you? My therapist? Go take a walk.'

'Well that would be just lovely Adam, but I'm imprisoned in a castle by giants.' Hal said. 'Got any other ideas?'

'I turned 40 in September, thank you... my goal is to make it through the next hour without having to get up and pee.' Adam said and with that he turned his back on Cassius and Hal.

'Well that was fun.' Cassius said, 'but I think we'll be leaving now. See ya Adam.'

'DAMN YOU SCUBA STEVE!' Adam screamed.

'It's Cassius actually. Cassius the Hedgehog, and you'd do well to remember that name.' Cassius informed him as they shut the door.

As the hedgehog and the vole scurried away from the castle they hi-fived each other, pleased to have escaped. They could see some lush looking mountains and decided to head towards them. As they reached the foot of the mountain range a shepherd approached them. He was a friendly guy called Phil who had some sound advice about safe routes through the mountains and also types of chair, for example, the Windsor. Following Phil's advice they continued on their journey. After a short while they found themselves getting sleepier and sleepier.

'I am getting sleepier and sleepier,' Cassius yawned.

'Me too, I could just lie down on the ground here and have a nice little nap,' Hal agreed.

'I don't think that's a good idea mate, we're nearly there, I can almost smell the gin.' Cassius urged Hal on. 'Come on, mate no time to be lazy.'

'I have a confession to make Cassius,' Hal said sheepishly, 'I used to prefer vodka.'

'WHAT!' Cassius cried, 'how could you?!'

'Well, I was just to scared to try gin, I never knew how versatile it was in cocktails.' Hal told him.

'Thank goodness you saw the error of your ways pal, gin is the best spirit.' And so Cassius told Hal about all his favourite gin based drinks to keep him awake.

Finally they started to feel refreshed and the land around them grew less and less barren. Fruits and flowers surrounded them and they were glad that they hadn't slept. They could see the gin fountain up ahead at the highest point of the Mountain and hurried forwards with glee. But Hal stopped suddenly as a river with no bridge was blocking their way.

'OH NO!' Hal exclaimed in horror, 'we can't go over it, we can't go under it, we'll have to go through it!' Keen for the gin, he dived straight in and splish splash, splish splash, he made it to the other side. Turning to face Cassius he beckoned his friend over. Taking a deep breath Cassius jumped. As soon as he hit the water his little legs began paddling furiously to get him to the other side. But Cassius is only a little hedgehog and he soon became tired, his head slipping under wave after wave.

'Come on Cassius! Think of the gin!' Hal cheered him on and Cassius found a last burst of energy and pushed himself up onto the river bank.

'Phew, that was a close one!' Cassius gasped as he lay exhausted on the grass. Then his little hedgehog nose began to twitch...'Hal!' he exclaimed with joy, 'I can smell the gin!' With a hop, skip and a jump, the two friends found themselves at the fountain where the canaries greeted them with happiness. The fountain shone with a rainbow of different colours and the gin flowed crisp and clear. Together they filled up all the bottles and the canaries carried them and the gin back to the woods.

'WE'VE GOT THE GIN!' Cassius shouted as they landed safely back home. All the woodland creatures hurried out to meet them and they had a well good party with well loads of gin and cheesecake and dancing and then Christina the fox was sick.

Cassius The Hedgehog's Progress. Part 1.

This one time, right Cassius the Hedgehog was suffering from anguish. Spiritual anguish. He was a-wailing and a-moaning, gibbering about his past regrets. Like that one time when he mistook a mento for a Werther's Original and ate it instead of throwing it at Marcus the Squirrel and that other time when he got Lea and Perrins on his bow tie and this other time when he lost the disc of Wallace and Gromit - Curse of the Were-rabbit and was forever tormented by the empty dvd case. But this time the regret was even bigger. Cassius the Hedgehog had run out of gin, all he had were loads of empty bottles as he couldn't bring himself to part with them. Now don't you go thinking that Cassius is an alcoholic or nothing. He'd gone without for three days and things were getting desperate. He'd tried the Co-op round the corner but they never have anything you want and just suck you into buying two packets of Walkers Sensations because it's buy one get one free but you only came in for gin. But they had no gin which had lead to Cassius' spritual anguish. The woodland creatures were throwing a party in a weeks time and nowhere could they find any gin to make Martinis with, at this rate, the party was gonna be well bad.

Suddenly, through his tears Cassius saw a figure appear.

'Oi oi batty boy,' the voice said 'my name is Evan, I know you well want some gin but there ain't none to be found in this wood. And don't go thinking that you can just go into town and pick some up there, Tunbridge Wells is dry. You must take all your empty bottles and go to The Mountain of the Iron Lion, where there are fountains of gin'. The figure then vanished into the trees leaving our hedgehog friend baffled. He rushed to Enrique's house and told the badger what he had seen, begging Enrique to accompany him to the Mountain of the Iron Lion but Enrique refused.

'Mate I've got too much to do, I'm experimenting with a Percy Pig flavour cheesecake for the party.' Enrique told him. 'You're on your own for this one. Sozza.'

So Cassius left, leaving his bestest badger buddy behind. Because Cassius well loves the gin. And spiritual anguish ain't no walk in the park. It's a walk to the mountain. He was carrying the burden of all the empty bottles with him so he could fill them all up so it was pretty heavy going and that. He had only been walking a short way when two rats caught up with him.

'Cassius! Oi!' they shouted, 'where ya going?

'Who are you?' he asked them.

'We're Oliver and Peter, and we think you're well dumb to go all the way to the Mountains just to get some gin,' they told him.

'Listen guys, this well sound bloke called Evan told me in good faith about the fountains of gin at the top of the Mountain, it's gonna be well whack.' Cassius explained.

'That does sound pretty whack.' Peter concurred, 'mind if I join?'

'Oh, you two disgust me,' said Oliver. 'I'm going back. Laterz.'

Peter and Cassius carried on walking together. Peter had some good chat about Usher and how he'd developed a penchant for juggling over ripe peaches and canaries so Cassius didn't mind the company. Peter was excited about the fountain on the mountain and was proper keen to get his hands on some gin. He was busy listing all the cocktails he was gonna make when they found the ground beneath their feet was becoming softer.

'Oh my dayz!' Cassius cried, 'we're sinking!' They were getting deeper and deeper, almost up to their waists in the bog. Peter the Rat managed to grab onto a tree root on one side and slowly pulled himself out.

'Help me! Oi, you massive scumbag! COME BACK!' Cassius shouted, but Peter the Rat just ran away, leaving poor Cassius shouting for help by himself.

'You called?' came a voice from the top of the tree. Cassius looked up to see a kestrel swooping down towards him. 'My names Elpha the Kestrel, need a hand?'

'Yes please mate! I'm nearly up to my neck in mud!' Cassius gasped.

Once Elpha had carried Cassius and his backpack of bottles out of the bog, he thanked her for coming to his aid and told her all about his journey to find the fountain of gin at the top of the Mountain of the Iron Lion. She wished him the best of luck with his mission. but admitted to being more of a vodka fan and sent him on his way with a wave. Cassius continued walking, glad to be rid of a scoundrel like Peter the Rat who was clearly well bad chat and not the type to go hill-walking with. He'd just managed to get the last of the bog mud off his spines when he saw a rabbit watching him from the bushes. As he got nearer it hopped out to greet him.

'Well hello there little hedgehog, where are you off to this fine day?' the rabbit asked, his eyes darting from Cassius' face to the bag of bottles and back again.

'I'm just taking a stroll up to the Mountain of the Iron Lion to fill these bad boys up, we're having a party in a few days and the Co-op's all out. Apparently there are fountains of gin at the top of the mountain.' Cassius informed the rabbit.

'Well, my names Wilbur and by the whiskers on my nose I reckon I can help relieve some of that burden you're carrying' the rabbit said.

'Oh right cool, you wanna come with?' Cassius asked him.

'No, no, I mean I'm actually from Tunbridge Wells Borough Council and we're trying to cut down on glass litter by encouraging recycling,' Wilbur the Rabbit told Cassius, 'in fact if you turn off this path and head into the town there are many facilities for recycling glass, I'm sure you don't need to fill up ALL those bottles, they look very heavy.'

'Hmmm, they are very heavy and I do love a bit of recycling,' Cassius mused. 'I guess I can shift some of them down there. Cheers for the tip-off Wilbur.' And with that Cassius turned off the path and headed down into town.

Cassius made it to the Millennium Clock in the town centre when a mist fell upon him. Squinting into it he saw Evan coming towards him. And he didn't look too pleased.

'Cassius my man, what did I tell you!? You must take all the bottles to the mountain to get your gin. You can't just wander off!'

'Oh maanzz, I'm sorry pal, didn't realise! If I go back now, can I still get some gin?' Cassius asked.

'Oh yeh, no worries,' Evan reassured him, 'just don't listen to that rabbit again, he's been done for impersonating borough council members three times now. Nightmare!'

'Wow, what an oddball,' Cassius said, 'I can think of well better people to impersonate.'

'Exactomondo.' Evan agreed. 'And another thing, what's with the mist?'

'Oh, I thought that was you, you know, for effect and that.' said Cassius, confused.

'What are you on batty?!' Evan cried, 'I ain't no ghost or nothing, just have a vast knowledge of gin fountain locations, think we're just having some weather.'

'Riight.' Cassius nodded, 'I'll just be off then...'

Back in the woods Cassius was growing weary, the bottles were heavy and he was beginning to lose hope of ever finding the mountain, dragging his little hedgehog feet along the ground. Trying to keep his spirits up he began to sing the greatest hits of Leann Rimes. He was halfway through 'On the side of angels', when he saw a gate up ahead. As he drew closer he saw a sign which read: 'You've got to knock. Innit.' So he did. At the sound of his knock a crow flew down and landed on one of the posts.

'Alright pal, I'm Will the Crow. Wanna see something special?'

'Always.' Cassius replied. At his answer the crow screwed up his face with concentration, croaking with effort.

'Erm, whatcha doing weirdo?' Cassius inquired. Will let out a sigh and relaxed his face muscles.

'I'm supposed to will the gate open, but it never works.' the crow told the hedgehog, with an embarrassed smile.

'Ok... want to just help me push it then?' Cassius suggested. Will nodded sheepishly and together they heaved the heavy gate open.

'Just in time actually,' Will informed Cassius as they hurried through, 'there's some nutter in a tree over there throwing skittles at you. Now, how's the journey going?' So Cassius told Will all about Evan's advice, Enrique's refusal to accompany him, the bog, Peter's desertion and Wilbur the Rabbit. Will seemed impressed and advised Cassius to head to a nearby house where he would learn more about gin.'

'I well love gin,' Cassius sighed as he waved goodbye to Will the Crow, 'this stuff had better be good though.'

Once inside, a deer showed Cassius a picture of a man. 'Who's that?' Cassius asked the deer.

'Franciscus Sylvius,' the deer told him, 'he is a Dutch physicist who invented the bev we all love best.'

'Excellent bit of trivia that,' Cassius said. 'What a legend.' The deer then showed Cassius into a new room where he instructed another deer to throw ice at Gordon Ramsey. Cassius was shocked at Gordon's acceptance of this behaviour and even more so when another deer hurled slices of lemon and lime at him. The first deep explained that both are necessary parts of a gin and tonic. He then moved into the next room where one deer was pouring vodka into a glass, whilst another poured gin.

'See there are always some batties who think vodka makes a better martini than gin,' the deer explained.

'Nutterz.' Cassius said, shaking his head in disgust. 'I heard that Madonna prefers vodka to gin, but then again she's also renowned for her morbid fascination with electrocuting canaries, so she's clearly a crackpot.'

'You are a true gin lover and defender of canaries', the deer concluded. This will help you in your quest.'

Cassius left the house of the deer, and continued towards the mountains. The path grew rocky and he tripped, his heavy bag pushing him off balance. He braced himself for a fall, but none came. Opening his eyes, Cassius saw a flock of canaries who had caught him before he fell.

'Cheers little fellaz,' Cassius said, as they set him down safely.

'That's alright matey, we help anyone who supports the anti-canary electrocution movement, in fact, we can help you with that heavy back-pack now,' the canaries twittered.

'Wow, you are kind,' Cassius smiled at them. As the flock carried off the bottles towards the mountains, a few stayed and gave Cassius a straw and a pass for the gin fountain.

'Peace out, Cassius!' the canaries shouted as they flew away, 'see you at the top!'

Relieved of his burden Cassius decided to stop for the night as it was getting dark. Curling up into a ball he snuggled down amongst some dead leaves. He knew that the next day he could continue his journey for the gin and so he slept, dreaming of hubba bubba. His fave flavour was sweet and sassy cherry.

To be continued...

Cassius The Hedgehog and The Voice Changer.

This one time, right, Cassius the Hedgehog was a wee bit bored. Now Cassius ain't usually one of these fellas who succumbs to boredom, no siree, but this day he was really at a loss. He'd already done some hula-hooping, eaten a cheese and pickle sandwich, watched three and a half episodes of 'Desperate Housewives', and even made a miniature bar stool for mice out of a cork and some toothpicks, (a neat little trick he'd picked up off an old school teacher.)

Cassius sat back to admire his finished bar stool and again thought how lucky he'd been to pick up that little gem from such a learned educator and purveyor of the arts. As he did so he noticed that his free pen collection was looking more than a little messy.

'Sacre bleu!' Cassius thought to himself, 'I shall have to give these a tidy.' Cassius well loved a free pen, and his collection had been steadily growing since he's notice the wealth of opportunity out there for a free pen lover.

'This blue one I got from the library, the red one in an information pack about substance abuse, a yellow one from the promoter of a local nightclub, this green one from the reception desk of the Spa Hotel, another blue one that I found on the train, left by a careless commuter, a white one in a cerebral palsy awareness pack, the little purple one what I nicked from Argos, a clear ballpoint pen that came with the prospectus for The University of Glasgow and the cream of the crop, this free Parker pen what I got just for enquiring about an over 50s life insurance plan with Sun Life Direct!'

With his free pens neatly arranged in order of preference, Cassius finally realised that there was officially nothing else to do in his little house so he decided to go see his bestest badger buddy, Enrique.

'OI OI BATTY BOY!' Cassius bellowed through Enrique's open front window.

'Calm down Cassius mate, I've already heard about your alliterating antics and I'm havin' none of that this time. There are plenty more letters in the sea' Enrique told him as he came outside.

'Yeh, whatever mate, I am well bored and I am relying on you to come up with a well rad plan to brighten my day.'

'Have you done your daily quota of hula-hooping yet?' Enrique enquired

'Of course I have, did whilst watching Desperate Housewives innit.' Cassius told him

'And how is Mrs Solis?'

'An inspiration, as always.'

'I'm glad to hear it. Oh. have you tried drinking coffee through a straw?'

'Look Enriquezz, me and Christina was all over that whilst you were off in Cornwall painting the town red with Johnny-boy. Did the council ever come after you about that by the way?'

'Nah mate, we told them it's was just an expression and they let us off.'

'Nice save.' Cassius said.

'Well, Have you sorted out your free pen collection? I was just dusting mine off as you arrived.' Enrique asked him

'Yeh man, got my free Parker pen from Sun Life Direct in pride of place, as I trust you have too?

'Of course I do, you know how much I love a free pen.'

'That I do Enrique, I think I know better than anyone else. Need I remind you of that embarassing moment in Argos?' Cassius said

'Alright mate, no need to be dragging up that past. What can I say, they shouldn't leave so many free pens lying about.' Enrique quickly changed the subject, 'Why don't we go down town and see if we can't amuse ourselves round there? Obviously NOT in Argos though.'

'Yeh best to avoid there eh, don't want anymore trouble.' Cassius concurred.

So Cassius and Enrique headed off down town to see what they could find to do. They hit Topshop first, but as they are both pretty well set for accessories, they couldn't find much to amuse themselves there with. Next they went to the food court for a nana milkshake, but they bumped into Joe the Tortoise who was still on his dairy exclusion diet so they felt bad drinking in front of him and decided to have a carrot and orange juice instead. After that refreshing little interlude they decided to head over to Hawkin's Bazaar, on a recommendation from Joe.

'This was a well good plan Cassius!' Enrique exclaimed, 'look at this backwards clock!'

'That is well rad! Cassius said, 'and check out this TALKING GARDEN GNOME!'

'EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WANTED IS IN THIS SHOP!' Enrique cried in ecstasy.

'I KNOW RIGHT!' Cassius squealed as he threw handfuls of 'sparky the barky dogs' into the air.

'DO YOU THINK THEY HAVE FREE PENS?' Enrique said, quivering with joy and throwing handfuls of 'chubby Buddha' models into the air.

'OH! BATTY! SHUT UP ABOUT THE FREE PENS!' Cassius shouted, 'LOOK AROUND YOU, THERE'S EVEN COLOURING CHANGING PUTTY, LITTLE STRETCHY MEN, THE WORLDS FIRST TALKING HAMSTER, well that's a lie, my second cousin Jessica the Hamster could talk the back legs off a bison, OH OH CRIME SCENE BOG ROLL, FINGER FRIGHTS, BENDY MEN, KAZOOS, A BALLOON POWERED TRAIN...!'

'So we won't be going back in there again for a while.' Enrique muttered

'Yeh, I'm pretty sure that was an inappropriate amount of enthusiasm for a small shop that sells toys, gadgets and old fashioned relics,' Cassius agreed.

'Shame we couldn't have spent more time in there though,' Enrique said.

'Yeh, shame they threw us out the door and warned us that they'd call the police if we ever returned.'

'Well, at least I managed a quick purchase before we landed in the gutter.' Enrique revealed, smiling.

'OH WOW, WHAT DID YOU GET, ANIMAL CASTANETS?' Cassius shrieked.

No, better, a VOICE CHANGER!' Enrique revealed with glee.

'THIS SHALL BE AMAZING.'

Voice changer in paw, Cassius and Enrique headed off to see what amusement their new purchase could bring them. Firstly they snuck round the back of Marcus the Squirrel's house, and using the voice changer to make them sound like daleks they ordered him to give up his coffee or be exterminated. Then they ran off to Pam the Weasel's and hid in her shrubbery, giving her dalek versions of Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face', B*Witched's 'Blame it On The Weatherman' and Real 2 Real's 'I Like To Move It Move It' whilst she tried to sunbathe. After that they called Colin the Toad and pretended to be a phone survey offering £15 of Halford's vouchers, Colin well loves Halfords so he answered some of the questions, but then Cassius kept calling him a frog so he got well pissed off and then Enrique kept laughing so he got even more pissed off so even the lure of the Halford's vouchers wasn't enough to keep on the phone, especially after Cassius asked him if he knew the five little speckled frogs that had allegedly jumped off a speckled log. Finally the crouched outside Christina the Fox's bedroom window and shouted 'GONE AWAY!' and ' HOLLOA' to trick her into thinking that Davie Camerz had lifted the ban on hunting, which never fails to get her riled, funnily enough.

'THAT WAS WELL RAD!' Cassius yelled once they were back in his living room.

'Yeh man, I still say we should call 10 Downing Street and tell them to give up the Doctor or surrender the whole country for extermination.' Enrique said

'You always have to take it too far don'tcha batty, what have I told you about playing pranks on important figures?' Cassius scolded

'Sorry mate, you know I get carried away.'

'Speaking of getting carried away, d'ya think we should call it a day with the voice changer, don't wanna get beaten by any coat hangers or bottles of vimto today.' Cassius reminded him

'You are right there batty, do you think they'll know it was us?'

'Nah, they think we're far too sophisticated for any of those sort of shennanigans.'

'You're right there Cassius my friend, do you wanna go drink Guinness through a straw?'

'I can think of no greater joy, oh by the way I forget to mention that I managed to get us a free pen each from a Scope stand in town. Technically it wasn't totally free as I gave them money, but it was a voluntary donation and you got a sticker as well.' Cassius informed Enrique

'Man, this was the best day ever.'

'I well love a free pen.'

'Me too.'

Unfortunately Cassius and Enrique's use of poor grammar and incorrect syntax gave them away and they were walloped by Christina the Fox's sat nav that her Grandma got when she took out a Guaranteed over 50 plan with Sun Life Direct. Oh well at least it weren't no coat hanger, they got a sting like nothing you've ever felt before.

If like Cassius you well love a free pen then why not visit http://www.scope.org.uk/ you might not get a free pen but you could donate some money anyway and then nick a pen from Argos. Everyone's a winner.

Except Argos.

Cassius The Hedgehog does not endorse any over 50 life insurance plan, free Parker pen or not. He ain't even over 50. Obviously.

Cassius The Hedgehog and The Pencil Sharpener.

This one time, right, Cassius the Hedgehog was feeling well lonely because Enrique had gone to visit his brother John in Cornwall. He'd been gone for three days now and Cassius was well missing him. He had no-one to go up Camden or down Brighton with, no-one to eat muffins and cheesecake with and most importantly no-one to drink gin with.

Now don't get me wrong, Cassius ain't no one friend hedgehog, no siree. He'd spent one day with Christina the Fox and they'd had some well good banter down town drinking coffee through a straw, but then Christina insisted on getting the bus to a local fox hunter’s house to do the macarena on his patio and then poop on his lawn. Cassius was not up for that so he walked home. Next day he tried calling Colin the Toad, but he was busy doing overtime at B&Q, so he tried Roland the Magpie but Roland had just got a new paint by numbers book and wasn't willing to share. Finally he tried Pam the Weasel but Pam was researching canaries' capacity for pain. As Cassius has no belief in animal testing whatsoever, and point blank refuses to use Herbal Essences to keep his spines shiny he decided that this was an activity he could not support so he decided to do some colouring in.

Whenever Cassius he is down he just watches this:



and then does some colouring in. No-one can be sad after that combination of activities. Pam the Weasel once said that she well loves doing drawings that make a difference, that heal the world, Cassius is quite glad that she ain't colouring in with him today because all she does is talk a load of rubbish. Luckily Cassius knows that the best way to actually make a difference is to help an old lady across the road, or to choose cruelty-free products, to buy a homeless person lunch, volunteer for charity or send a sick child a card to make them smile.

'OH! PAM! A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION A LITTLE MORE ACTION PLEASE. NO ONE MADE NO CHANGE GASSING ABOUT IT.' Cassius bellowed. 'Jeeeez, what a load of denty bungle.'

Cassius was just about to get started drawing a picture of a jelly baby when shock shock horror horror, he saw that his bestest pencil was blunt as the Cambridge Five. Cassius then realised that he had lent Pam his pencil sharpener when she had blunted her bestest blue pencil, writing about whatever bungle the batty was banging on about the other week and she'd only gone and blooming bunged it down the bog with all her branking.

'Man I well love alliteration.' Cassius thought to himself. 'NO CASSIUS, DON'T CHA GO GETTING DISTRACTED BY NO LITERARY DEVICES NOW. THIS IS SERIOUS.' And he bonked himself on the head with his hole punch to concentrate. 'Bs can be bamboozling. I know I for one am bewildered,' Cassius babbled. So off he bounded to find himself a brilliant pencil sharpener.

First off, he went to see Marcus the Squirrel. Marcus was in a bemusingly bright mood. Marcus invited Cassius in and offered him a bowl of Barcaffe.

'Whatchoo talkin' bout Batty?' Cassius asked
'It's a brand of coffee innit bruv.' Marcus replied. 'Strongest in Slovenia.'
'But we ain't in Slovenia boy, we're in Royal Tunbridge Wells.' Cassius pointed out.
'Care as in I don't(meg), it's brewing already.' Marcus boasted.
'Thought you were trying to bant your caffeine intake blud.' Cassius retorted.
'Gave up, innit, it's a habit that just can't be broken.' Marcus told him. 'I just well love the coffee, it ain't no crime. I like it black and white, with sugar, without, in a mug, in a bowl, in a cup, on a plate, with cream, with chocolate, with caramel, with ice cream, hot, cold, reheated, freshly brewed, boiled, mashed and stuck in a stew. But those last three are potatoes,' he blurted out.
'Blimey buddy, how'd you work that out?' Cassius asked him.
'By making it in every way possibly of course! BEHOLD!' And with that Marcus bashed his door open with a bang to reveal coffee in every bowl, bag, beaker, bin, bottle, box and bucket in his kitchen. 'This one's a frapp, this ones's a caramel cap, this one's a skinny latte, this ones a mocha, this one's black, 2 sugars...'
'OH! MARCUS! YOU IS WELL BATTY IF YOU IS THINKING THAT I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR BARMY COFFEE HABIT. BUGGER OFF. I'M OUT OF HERE.' Cassius brushed past Marcus, shaking his head in disgust. 'You need to find yourself a hobby mate, there's no way I can do any colouring in with you, you'd go all out the lines and everything.'

So, befuddled, bedraggled and smelling faintly of coffee, Cassius left. In fact he was so befuddled that he soon lost his way and began to panic. He stumbled through a hedge and bumped into a large piece of wood.

'What the?!' Cassius said.
'Who's that banging about out there like a batty?' A voice asked from behind the wood. Cassius made his way round the edge and found it to be a rectangular frame.
'I ain't no batty, I'm Cassius the Hedgehog, who are you?' A creak made Cassius look up and he saw the wire mesh lid of the frame lift up and a face peer out.
'I'm Joe the Tortoise, and this is what ya call a brilliant clash of reality and imagination.'
'Riiiight, whatever you say bruv. You got a pencil sharpener in there?'
'Course I do mate, how else would I sharpen my pencils for colouring in?' Joe replied.
'Do you well love colouring in?!' Cassius gasped
'I well love colouring in.' Joe told him.
That's bloomin' brillopads!' Cassius beamed, 'can I come in?'

So Cassius bounced up into Joe's run for some colouring themed fun. They drew each other, their favourite accessories, their bestest buds, a bus, a brain, a beetle, a beach, some brogues, a barbie, blueberries and a bowl of coffee. Cassius was well chuffed with them all, even though Joe kept biting his spines, as he happens to have has an unfortunate penchant for biting people's fingers and Cassius' spines were the next best thing.

'You got any cheesecake pal, I'm well hungry', Cassius enquired after an hour of so of drawing delights.
'Sorry mate, it's the modern age innit and I'm on a dairy/gluten exclusion diet.' Joe explained.
'That sucks, do you like gin though?' Cassius asked
'Gin is ace,I happen to be quite a bacchanal. In fact, shall we hit the pub now, I think there's a rugby match on?' Joe suggested. 'Do you think Spoons will mind animals boozing and bombilating in there?'
'Are you kidding? Have you seen their clientèle,they don't even notice the difference when Enrique and me hit the bar', Cassius said
'Sorted then buddy.'
'Well rad.'
'No bagarres or brawls today.'
'No siree.'

So off they went to the pub, to drink gin and admire their beautiful artwork. Cassius was particularly proud with his picture of his bestest badger bud.
'That's my bestest badger bud, Enrique' Cassius told Joe. 'I well miss him, he loves gin and colouring in too. Bit of a balatron, but hey, aren't we all?'
'Yeh batty, you defos are.' Joe said, 'you ever drunk coffee through a straw?'
'Of course, straws are the bomb,' Cassius replied.
'I like you buddy.' Joe told him
'I like you too.
'Not in a gay way.'
'Not in a a gay way.'
'Just like two blokes, watching the rugby, colouring in and drinking gin.'
'Just like that.'
'Just like that.'
'Bazinga.'



'How would you feel about doing a bossa-nova?'
'Better if someone explained what's going on with all the 'b's today.'
'Yeh me too.'





Cassius reckons you should all visit http://www.postpals.co.uk/ and do something simple to brighten someone's day.

Or not, he ain't bossing you about or nuffin.

Cassius The Hedgehog and The Paint.

This one time, right, Cassius decided that he wanted to repaint his house. He called up his bestest ever friend Enrique the Badger and said 'Oi oi, batty boy! Let's hit B&Q for some paint and that.'
' YEHHH!! I is well up for some a that and ting!' said Enrique.
'Alright mate, it's just some paint, chillax.' Cassius told him and hung up.

Once they got to B&Q they went and found Colin the Toad because he works there and get's a 20% discount.
'OH! Colin! It true you gets 20% off here?' Cassius asked.
'Yeh blud, your fact is correcto. I also am eligible for a bonus as I have worked here for over six months.' Colin replied.
'Niice one mate.' Enrique said. 'Can you use your discount to get us some paint? Cassius here is re-decorating.'
'Yeh man, whatcha want, we got Dulux, Crown, Living Etc, B&Q value..' Colin listed.
'Look, a little less conversation a little more action please Colin, I just want some cheap red paint to match my bow tie, do I look like I can afford any of that fancy nonsense?' Cassius said.
'Alright Cassie, keep your wig on.' Colin said.
'OI! I AIN'T NO GIRLY AND ALL THAT. IT'S CASSIUS INNIT. A GOOD STRONG NAME. IT'S ROMAN. AND I DON'T WEAR NO WIG. I'M ALL SPINES AND BOW TIE.' Cassius yelled.
'Cassius means vain or empty.' Enrique piped up.
'PIPE DOWN ENRIQUE. YOUR NAME MEANS IDIOT HEAD.' Cassius shouted.
'Actually it means home-ruler, so put a muffin in it Cassius.' Enrique told him.
'Oh yeh, you can talk abotu muffins. I saw ya, I saw ya with that muffin man, scoffing your face you was. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN ONE OF THEM MUFFINS?'
'Nah.' shrugged Enrique.
'Me neither and unless you want me to find out and ruin your day as WELL as your waistline then I suggest you help me find some paint boyo.' Cassius concluded.

Colin the Toad stood there for a moment bemused, until Cassius yelled 'OH! COLIN! SORT YA LIFE OUT AND SHOW ME THE PAINT!' at which point he hurried off and returned with some colour strips.
'I got warm red, deep red, roasted red, red barn, oriental red, red carpet - that's reduced.' Colin told them.
'I'll reduce you in a minute mate. Just gimme the red carpet one.' Cassius said.

Twenty-five minutes later Cassius and Enrique were back and with headscarfs and overalls on they began to paint Cassius' room. It was looking well good and really matched Cassius' bow tie.
'Red's quite an angry colour thought innit? Do you think that's a good idea? Enrique asked.
'Oh great, cheers Enrique, tell me NOW.'
'Just saying.'
'Well don't. How much paint is there left?'
'None.'
'NONE?!'
'None.'
'NONE?!?!?!'
'None.'
'None.'
'NONE?!?!?!?!'
'None.'
'NONE?!?!?!?!?!?!'
'None.'

'Bummer.'

'What you gonna do Cassius? We've still got one wall left.' Enrique asked
'There's gotta be some left, we bought loads.' Cassius replied
'Maybe we shouldn't have put some in balloons and dropped it on Pam the Weasel's head.' Enrique pointed out.
'Maybe we shouldn't have poured some into Christina the Fox's Bloody Mary.' Cassius said.
'Maybe we shouldn't have written on the walls of the school corridor THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED AGAIN.' Enrique added.
'Maybe we shouldn't have put it on Roland the Magpie's chips.' Cassius admitted.
'Maybe we shouldn't have painted moustaches on all the pictures in today's newspapers.' Enrique said.
'Maybe we shouldn't have re-painted the benches in the park without leaving wet paint signs.' Cassius pointed out.
'Maybe we shouldn't have painted all my white fur red to give me more of an edge.' Enrique added.
'Yeh, you got a point there matey.' Cassius agreed. 'Are you sure that there's none left?'
'Positive.' Enrique told him.
'Lemme just check.' Cassius said and crawled into the paint pot to see what was left.
'CASSIUS NO!!' Enrique exclaimed, but it was too late. Cassius stood up, the paint pot stuck firmly on his head.

'Cassius you muppet.' Enrique said, shaking his head.
'This ain't even funny.' Cassius said, his voice muffled by the paint pot.
'Is a bit though innit. Maybe it's karma for Christina's Bloody Mary.' Enrique suggested.
'SHUT UP BADGER.' Cassius yelled. 'This is NOT a good accessory. I cannot see a thing.' and in his panicked hedgehog state he started running round and round the room, bashing into the walls, the furniture, Enrique, the bowl of pears, the empty bottle of Tango, the washing basket, the stationary cupboard, EVERYTHING. He looked a lot like this poor mite here:




Only much sexier. Because Cassius is a pretty cool dude.

Once Enrique had got Cassius to calm down he took him to see Pam the Weasel to see if she could help, but she wouldn't help because they had thrown paint balloons at her head and she beat the with a lemon squezzer. Next they went to find Christina the Fox, but she wouldn't help because they put paint in her drink and she beat them with a bottle of Vimto. Then they tried Roland the Magpie, but he wouldn't help because they had put paint on his chips and he beat them with a hanger. Finally they tried Marcus the Squirrel but he's well grumpy and beat them with a shoe horn for no good reason other than he hadn't had his coffee that morning because he was trying to restrict his caffeine intake.

Bruised and battered Cassius and Enrique sat down on the park bench to think.
'Just give it one more pull Enrique please, I'm suffocating in here.' Cassius begged.
'So Enrique gave the paint pot one last pull and suddenly it just flew off! Turned out that all that beating had loosened it! So that was good news. Unfortunately the bad news was that they had sat on a bench that they themselves had painted so they both had red bottoms. Much like baboons. FOOLS.



Cassius would like to remind you that hedgehogs are inquisitive and are often attracted by the remaining contents in food rubbish, this can lead to them being found with their heads stuck in tins, yoghurt pots and plastic cups. Always cut the plastic rings of “carry 4 and 6 pack” holders to avoid unnecessary deaths and dispose of rubbish responsibly. If Cassius' mates gets hurt, rest assured that minty hail will be heading your way very soon.

Cassius The Hedgehog and The Muffin Man.

This one time, right, Cassius and his badger buddy were taking a casual stroll.
'Have you seen the muffin man?'Enrique the Badger asked Cassius.
'The muffin man?'Cassius retorted,
'Yeh mate, the muffin man!'
'Nah.' said Cassius 'why?'
'Just because I fancy some apple pie,' Enrique told him
'Well the apple pie man's over there mate!' Cassius pointed out
'OH! BATTY! OBVIOUSLY I IS WANTING MUFFINS THAT IS WHY I IS LOOKING FOR THE MUFFIN MAN INNIT.' Enrique shouted.
'Oh. Right. Innit.' Cassius said, scratching his nose.

Cassius and Enrique had become well close since Cassius' party when he made Enrique cheesecake and they had been on many an outing together. They'd been up Camden, down Brighton and this one time they got a well cheap megabus deal up to Glasgow where they drank some Yogi Yogi Chai at Tchai Ovna, went vintage shopping in the West End and then danced like mad to some dubstep at Artschool. That was well rad. All in all they were now inseparable and were the coolest critters around. Anyone who was anyone wanted to roll with them and some daft kids had even been working bow ties and trilbys to try and copy their banging look.

Anyway right, this fine day the two decided that as the only man they could find was the apple pie man and they well wanted some muffins that they would search for the muffin man and GET SOME. First they tried Drury Lane.

'He does live on Drury Lane.' Cassius said.
'He does?!' Enrique cried, 'I'll bear that in mind.'

Unfortunately the muffin man weren't home. His wife was though and she gave them some shortcake but they STILL well wanted some muffins.
'To be honest I haven't seen him at all today,' she told them 'right state he was in last night, drank too much Sailor Jerry and was dropping his muffins all over the shop, muttering something about the apple pie man taking all his business.'
'Yeh he likes a drink does the muffin man,' Cassius concurred.

The muffin man's wife also said he might be playing golf so next they headed there. Roland the Magpie was on the golf course, playing a round with Adam Sandler, (Roland later denied rumours that they had electrocuted a canary earlier that day in order to win a bet with Madonna.)

'Whatchoo doing rolling around and that on the fairway with Adam Sandler?!' Cassius yelled 'You know he's famous for his ludicrous hate campaign against canaries!'
'I ain't playing around with him, you misread that innit, I'm just playing a round OF GOLF with him, we're putting our differing opinions on canaries to the sidelines for the next half an hour.' Roland replied.
'Ohh, I see' Cassius said 'Have you seen the muffin man?'
'The muffin man?' asked Roland and Adam Sandler in unison.
'THE MUFFIN MAN!' cried Cassius and Enrique.
'And don't tell us he lives on Drury Lane, we tried there, but he weren't in.' Enrique added.
'Nah mate,' Roland replied, 'not seen him since Christmas Eve, he's had far too much mulled wine mind, RIGHT state he was in, dropping his muffins all over the shop and muttering something about Madonna and her sick games with babies and animals alike.'
'Yeh he's always been one for a drink that muffin man,' said Cassius. 'Well, thanks anyway. I guess we'll try somewhere else.'
'You could try the beach,' Adam Sandler suggested, 'I've seen the muffin man walking amongst the dunes many a time.'
'SHUT UP SANDLER YOU AIN'T NO WOODLAND CREATURE, WHAT ARE YA EVEN DOING HERE?!' Cassius shouted.
'Uh, Cassius, neither is the muffin man...' Enrique pointed out.
'YEH, WELL HIS GRANDMA WAS A VOLE SO HE'S NEARLY THERE.' Cassius told him.
'Really?!' said Roland.
'Yeh, now get back to your golfy tomfoolery, We're going to the beach.' Cassius said, 'come on Enrique.'

Forty-five minutes later they were at the beach, where Pam the Weasel and Christina the Fox were having a game of ultimate frisbee.
'It may be ultimate,' Cassius said, 'but at the end of the day, it's little more than a dog toy.'
'OI! YOU SEEN THE MUFFIN MAN!?' shouted Enrique
'WHAT?!' Pam shouted back. Cassius and Enrique hurried closer.
'I said, have you seen the muffin man?' Enrique asked.
'The muffin man?'
'Yeh, the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane but he's not there, or at the golf course.'
'Oh, that batty boy, no, he's not at the beach, last time I saw him, he'd had too much Guinness and was in a RIGHT state, dropping his muffins all over the shop and muttering something about frisbee not being a real sport.' Christina the Weasel told them.
'Well it's not really.' Cassius said. 'Neither's American football in my opinion, but we'll say no more about THAT.'
'Always been one for a drink that muffin man, don't I always say, eh Cassius?' said Enrique.
'No you dimmy, that's what I always say.' Cassius said and bonked Enrique on the trilby.
'Look Cassius, I is getting tired and that, shall we just go to the pub?' Enrique asked.
'NO. WE STARTED THIS AND WE'RE GONNA FINISH IT.' Cassius stated. 'Okay, we'll just have one gin and tonic and then we'll carry on.'

So off they went to Spoons for a quick drink. As they went in they saw a figure covered in flour, slumped over the bar, clutching a vodka and cranberry juice and muttering something about antioxidants.'
'That fella's in a right state,' Enrique whispered.
'Oh lordie, it's the muffin man!' Cassius exclaimed,
'The muffin man?' Enrique said
'YEH THE MUFFIN MAN BATTY! Cassius yelled and bonked Enrique on the trilby again.'I always said he was one for a drink.'
'We should really have looked here first then,' Enrique said.
'Yehhh... OH LOOK GIN AND TONIC IS ONLY 99P IN THE JANUARY SALE!!' Cassius gasped as he saw the drinks deals.
'This is the best day of my life' Enrique said and they both sat down with the muffin man and got well trashed and ate muffins and all that.

Cassius The Hedgehog and The Cheesecake.

There was this one time, right, when Cassius decided that he wanted to hold a well rad party for all his animal friends. He had also heard that some badger bloke called Enrique who always wore a trilby had just moved into the area and everyone thought that he was well cool and that. 'I ain't having this,' thought Cassius, 'I'm the coolest critter for at least a five mile radius.'

So Cassius set about organising this party of his. First of all he got himself on facebook and set up an event. This took him longer than expected because he wanted to think of a well rad name for his party that caught everyones' attention and made them go 'woah, Cassius is the boss. I NEED to be at this shindig or my life will be over.' He started with 'Cassius' Shindig,' but that was nowhere near phat enough so he tried putting it in capitals. 'Hmmmm, still not enough...' pondered he and he added a few words here and there til it said:

'CASSIUS' WELL RAD SHINDIG WITH CAKE AND ALL THAT.' He then added 'if you don't attend, your life will be over' as the tagline. 'Coolbeans,' he said and invited everyone on his friend list. In the description he bigged up his event even more, describing all the sticky dubstep, grimy rock n roll and acoustic folk and world music he would be playing, the selection of beverages he would be expecting his mates to put in for and the cakes he was planning on baking. Cassius' fave cake was defos black forest gateau, but he thought he'd also make some fairy cakes with swear words written in icing on them to give them an edge and some scones.

A week later Cassius had everything ready, four different flavours of crisps in bowls, (he'd hidden the packets to make sure Roland the Magpie didn't get any funny ideas), a massive black forest gateau, platters of scones and rude fairy cakes, a gin fountain, onto which he stuck a sign saying 'KEEP YOUR MITTS OFF MY GIN BATTY BOYS OR I'LL SLICE YA' and a bath tub filled with various bottles and cans of cider, lager and alcopops (the latter only being there for decoration as Cassius knew his mates were well too hardcore to drink that.) He then stuck on some Ramadanman to get the party started and put on his fave lacy curtain as a cape, tucked into his bow tie, what he'd had dry cleaned especially.

After a short while the first guests arrived and pretty soon everyone was getting down and dirty. Anyone who was anyone was there, Roland the Magpie, Pam the Weasel, Colin the Toad and even Marcus the Squirrel. The party had been banging for a couple of hours when Colin the Toad came up to Cassius and said 'Oi oi batty boy, where's Enrique? He's well rad and I wanted to share this bottle of White Lightning with him.'

'Enrique don't drink that pish!' retorted Cassius, 'if he's well rad he'll be on at least a Kopparberg.'
'Don't gimme that Cassius, not all of us can afford to drink from a gin fountain every night.' said Colin, 'and anyway if Enrique is so rad then why ain't he at your party, if this is supposed to be the only place to be tonight?'
'He will be here Colin, don't you fret your Toady head.' Cassius assured him.
'Yeh well, you'd better hope he turns up soon otherwise your party will be a massive flop.' Colin told him and hopped off to grab some prawn cocktail crisps before Pam the Weasel ate them all.

'Oh lordie,' thought Cassius as he gulped down his fifth gin and tonic, 'Enrique better turn up and be impressed or my rep is ruined.' Then he looked up and saw Christina the Fox arriving. 'Christina knows Enrique pretty well,' he thought to himself, 'I'll go ask her if he's coming.' And off he shuffled up to Christina the Fox and said 'Christina, you know Enrique pretty well, d'ya know if he's coming?'

'I think he said he would later, he's down as attending on facebook anyway' Christina answered, 'but he says he won't hang about unless there's cheesecake.'
'WHAT?!' exclaimed Cassius 'I AIN'T MADE NO CHEESECAKE! I ONLY GOT SOME FAIRY CAKES WITH SWEAR WORDS ON, (ya know, to give 'em an edge) WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!?'
'Mate, you had better make some cheesecake toute suite or your rep will be RUINED.' Christina told him. So Cassius ran to his kitchen, all of a fluster, because he'd never made cheesecake before.

'I AIN'T MADE A CHEESECAKE BEFORE!' he screamed as he blundered about looking for some digestives, 'I'VE ONLY EATEN THE HONEYCOMB CHEESECAKE AT ASK TWICE, ONCE AT ROLAND'S BIRTHDAY AND ANOTHER TIME WHEN WE WAS HAVIN' A LEAVING MEAL FOR MARCUS THE SQUIRREL WHEN HE MOVED TO AUSTRALIA BUT IT WAS TOO HOT AND TOO DANGEROUS THERE SO HE MOVED BACK AND WE WENT TO PIZZA EXPRESS INSTEAD FOR HIS WELCOME BACK MEAL AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY HAVE CHEESECAKE ON THEIR DESSERT MENU.' At this point Pam the Weasel came in and Cassius turned to her and screamed 'I AIN'T EVER MADE CHEESECAKE BEFORE AND I'VE ONLY EATEN IT TWICE AND IF I DON'T MAKE ONE NOW THEN ENRIQUE THE BADGER WILL THINK I'M A LOSER!'

'Calm it Kermit!' said Pam.
'MY NAME AIN'T EVEN KERMIT! WHATCHOO BEEN DRINKIN' BATTY?' Cassius shrieked, tearing his spines out and reaching for another gin and tonic.
'Look Cassius, you batty boy, here are some digestives, you bash 'em up and I'll sort out the cheese and cream.' Pam said as she handed Cassius the ingredients that were LUCKILY just there in his cupboard.
'Pam I love you forever,' Cassius told her as he bashed up the biscuits. Soon the cheesecake was finished and setting in the fridge. Pam had persuaded Cassius not to write swear words on the top so instead he put some raspberries on top in the shape of a smiley face.
'Phew,' he said and gave Pam a hug, 'you proper saved my bacon mayte.' Suddenly everyone went quiet and Roland the Magpie flapped his way over to Cassius to tell him that Enrique was here. 'Quick, grab the cheesecake!' Cassius squealed at Pam and she hurried over to the table clutching it to her. Cassius watched her carefully, making sure she didn't drop it, because that would be well bad, like.

'Alright pal, ta for the invite, you got any cheesecake?' A voice from behind him said. Cassius jumped and turned around, there in all his badger glory, wearing a red trilby was Enrique.
'Yeh man, it's over on the table innit.' Cassius replied, cool as a cucumber.
'Good, I hope it's nice and cold, don't want none of ya room-temperature cake nonsense.' Enrique said.
'No fear, it's straight from the fridge. Nice hat by the way.' Cassius told him
'Cheers pal. It matches your bow tie and all, maybe we could be friends if I like your cheesecake.' Enrique said as he sauntered over to the cheesecake. Cassius held his breath as he watched Enrique take a slice. The whole party stopped and listened for Enrique's reaction. 'Not bad this.' the badger muttered as he took his first bite. Then he took another and another and another and pretty soon almost the whole cake was gone. Then, taking the plate up to Cassius he offered the hedgehog the last slice. 'I reckons that we are gonna be friends, my friend.' Enrique told him as Cassius bit into his slice of cheesecake.
'Yeh, innit, ya want some gin?' Cassius replied.

A few gin and tonics later and Cassius the Hedgehog, Enrique the Badger, Marcus the Squirrel, Pam the Weasel, Christina the Fox, Colin the Toad and Roland the Magpie were throwing some shapes to 'Lovecats' and then they climbed up in the trees and showered Christopher the Mouse, who's well grumpy like, with mentos and shrieked 'WATCH OUT FOR THE MINTY HAIL!' Cassius was well happy because gin and minty hail are his favourite things and as he sucked on another werthers original he smiled because he knew how to make well rad cheesecake AND had a well cool friend that he could go up Camden with.